whatta man

actually tumblr should pay ME for sticking around this long

“no, i didnt eat any of your chocolate, old man,” i’d say, chocolate smeared across my mouth, and i’d get to watch him fume at the sight of it

gene wilder’s willy wonka is already filled with so much anger i think it would be very funny

i’m a skinny guy i wouldn’t get stuck in the pipes id go right through em. im also not stupid enough to chew the unfinished gum or try very hard to steal a squirrel or go through a tv for some fucking reason so i think i’ll be okay. there is nothing willy wonka can do to me in his factory that will get me killed. im an asshole and i deserve it but he won’t be able to do it. no, the guy would have to kill me himself

i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do

Wtf????

Smoove with it too 

This is the kind of shit you see in anime that shows that a certain character is stronger than other characters. 

“Pathetic.  You can’t even hold the bat you dare step to the plate? Have you no respect for the sport?”

reminds me of this gif

Baseball players are to be feared

Reblogging for the last one

^Same for me

They just kept getting progressively more “woah”

much woah

Oh my god this is a lucky universe

every time this post comes around, my favorite part is the “I know it’s the Mets” qualifier at the beginning lmao like how baseball that this zillion note posts starts with “sorry for putting this hellteam on your dash, bUT”

Y’all have no idea how hard I was trying not to laugh in class at that poor bird

They…they just blew up a fucking bird…

sage life advice from khloe kardashian

lmaoooo khloe is me af

the thing about hannibal getting away with all those murders for as long as he did that gets me isn’t that his name rhymes with fucking cannibal, but that the guy straight up invites the fucking FBI investigating the crimes he committed to these all-meat dish dinners and cracks all these thinly veiled cannibalism jokes and STILL nobody puts two and two together. like you are literally asking to get made into a stew at that point i’m sorry.

Villain: “You and I are very much alike, you know.”

Hero: “I realize that.”

Villain: “Doesn’t that trouble you?”

Hero: “Why would it? I share most of my genome with sewer rats.”

Villain: “But our similarities mean that, deep down, you’re a bad person. There’s nothing stopping you from being just as evil as I am!”

Hero: “Sure there is. I’m stopping me.”

Villain: “But in your heart you crave—”

Hero: “Sometimes when I’m in a crowded building I get the sudden urge to just boop a stranger right on the nose. But I don’t do it, because that would be super rude and weird. Does having that compulsion in the first place make me just as much of a weirdo as if I had acted on it? Maybe it does in your eyes, but to the would-be boopee, it makes all the difference in the world.”

Villain: “We’re not talking about booping noses, we’re talking about killing peop—”

Me: “Look, dude, I’m sure murder can be really satisfying. But I’ve decided that I don’t want to murder people, and I think that’s very sexy of me. Look at me. With a little self-restraint, you might have had what I have.”

i love this. the hero turning the "we're not so different" speech back on the villain

See also: Sam Vimes

x

Unions are trash. Theyll Destroy a whole company for firing a shitty worker.

unions are the reason you aren’t paid 2.50 an hour with steel beams about to bust ya head open shut up lol

Unions are why you have 5 day, 40 hour full-time work weeks. Unions are why they have to pay you in actual dollars instead of “company credits” that you can only spend at the company-owned stores. Unions are why there are fucking fire exits at your place of work. Unions are why it’s not okay for your supermarket ground beef to be any percentage human.

You think your company pays you out of the goodness of their hearts? Or even out of “market pressure?” The “job market” is a myth perpetuated by the capitalists. Corporations would pay you nothing if they could get away with it. And you argue “oh, but if they paid me nothing I’d just go to another one.” Wrong. Because to maximize profits, they all want to pay you nothing. Corporations exist to maximize profits while reducing risk for investors. It’s part of their entire function to find ways to cut costs as much as possible, and that includes finding ways to pay you nothing.

Unions are your defense against that. You think all a union does is strike? If you pay union dues, a lot of that is spent on lobbyists in various governments reminding your lawmakers that you have rights as a living human being that a corporation should not be able to stomp all over. Unions hire lawyers so that if you’re fired for bullshit reasons, the union can stand up for you against your boss. They’re called unions because workers are uniting to pool resources so that they can stand up to these corporate overlords with more money than God. Unions exist because you might not have the words, resources, or time to fight workplace injustices all by yourself. That’s the whole fucking point.

And if a business shuts down because a union is striking, it’s because the business was abusing people and didn’t deserve to be in business anyway. Don’t make excuses for the corporations. They already have trillions of dollars and a couple million lawyers to do that for themselves. They don’t need your help.

The erasure of labor history from US history curriculum has caused so much fucking damage to this country. 

I appreciate that so many cultures individually looked at a lizard and thought what if he was big as hell and had powers

UNMUTE THIS 💀💀

I’m actually fucking dead. I just… I can’t stop watching this. That fucking triple take at the end gets me every time

life advice:

never say anything to a penguin that the penguin has not already said to you

this reads like a shitpost but i’m actually 100% serious. i was walking along the side of the harbour this evening, just after all the penguins had come in from the ocean to nest. there was one penguin right by the footpath, and when it saw me it kept saying ‘höö’. so i said ‘höö’ right back. it seemed to like that, and we had a lovely conversation where we just kept saying ‘höö’ to each other. i crouched down about two metres away from it, and we kept talking, and it actually moved towards me a little bit, seeming to prefer my company to the heartless embrace of the sea. but then i made the mistake of trying to change things up. i said ‘hweh’, which was something that a previous penguin said to me, and this penguin hated it, and fucked right off. never said another word to me. i felt so rude.

I keep imagining this from the penguin’s point of view:

“Gustav, my friend, why so glum?”

The penguin in question looked up from his half-eaten sprat, shaking his head in disgust.

“Not glum, Sebastian. Affronted, outraged - I had the most perturbing encounter with one of the Beakless Ones.”

Sebastian nodded solemnly. “Yes, they are often perturbing. What happened, my friend?”

Gustav sighed heavily, looking up to the sky and holding his flippers wide, as if to ask the gods “why?”, before mournfully retelling his experience, “I was on the beach where the Beakless sometimes wander, contemplating names for this year’s chicks, when one of them approached. It seemed harmless enough to greet - they’re cute, in a strange, bald and flat-faced way, are they not?”

“Oh Gustav, you kind-hearted fool.”

“Such a fool, I am!” Gustav’s moans had gathered a small crowd already - the only thing penguins love more than a bellyful of fish, is a story. A good storyteller was always guaranteed a warm spot to huddle in the winter, surrounded by bored friends longing for entertainment.

“What did it do, Gustav? Did it kick you?”

“No! When it got close, I called out to it, ‘hello, friend!’. It stopped and returned the greeting - awkwardly, but it was rather sweet, like a chick learning it’s first chirps. ‘Hollow fren,’ it said back to me. I was charmed, but not wanting it to learn poor pronunciation, I repeated the greeting, and so did it! Getting clearer each time, till it could almost pass for a true penguin itself.”

“Gustav is a wonderful teacher,” Adelina, his mate, stated with a proud nod of her lovely blue head. “You remember how well our chicks could enunciate, before they even caught their first fish.”

“But what of it, Gustav? What happened to sour this experience so?”

“We went back and forth, till I was satisfied. It lowered itself near the ground, and I moved closer, carefully, not wanting to alarm it. I was just about to tell it how pleased I was, that it learning so quickly, when all of a sudden, it looked me right in the eye and said ‘Fuck off, freak.’”

There were avian gasps all around.

“Oh no!”

“How rude!”

“I was so appalled, I could not bring myself to even chide it.” Gustav bowed his head in shame. “I turned and left without another word.”

“It said that to you? Oh dear.” Sebastian tilted his head in a piercing glare towards one of their fellows, focusing on the only one who was slapping his sides and chortling. “Björn, you scoundrel! What have I told you about yelling obscenities at the Beakless?”

Björn cackled and bobbed his head in defiance. “How was its enunciation, Gustav? You soft-hearted buffoon!”

now that’s a fine addition to my post

I just read fan fiction about penguins talking to people, and discussing it with penguins….

I have never felt so happy, and so sad that I will never get to talk to penguins like this in my life.

Tony Hawk is like fucking Perry the Platypus because if I saw him without a skateboard I'd be like "A man" and the second he picks up a skateboard I'd be like "TONY HAWK?!?!?!?!?!"

This basically sums up all his tweets

Satire is dead.

So I am treating myself to a day at Dashcon. Thing is I can only go one day and both Friday/Saturday have really cool things planned. Which day should I go? Please help me out.

Saturday has a ball pit and meet-ups soooooooo. ;D

losing people is so interesting bc like. no i don't want to speak to you ever again. yes i think about you on your birthday.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. 

I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” 

and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000.”