SURVIVORS GUILT
PAIRING: eddie munson x hargrove reader
SUMMARY: y/n hargrove hasn’t been the same ever since her brother passed away. her best friend eddie is trying his hardest to help her get over it but it’s not working. they get into an argument only to find out after y/n is cursed by vecna and probably doesn’t have much time left.
WARNING: curse words , abuse , mentions of blood , survivors guilt , neil , pls tell me if i missed anything! creds to the original gif owners i can’t find their @ :( also in this fanfic eddie had nothing to do with chrissy’s death!
severe headaches.nosebleeds.nightmares. it’s all you’ve been having for the past two weeks. nightmares from the incident, the incident that costed your brothers life. the memory of watching the mind flayer attacking him, the mind flayers hands going right through his body. tearing him apart. running to him only to be held back by steve and robin. watching him sacrifice himself for you and everybody else and not doing anything. the second his body had hit the ground you ran to him, he had a single tear running down his cheek. before you even got to open your mouth to say something to him you were getting dragged away by steve. you tried to fight him off but he kept a tight grip on you. “ no no!” you screamed looking at your brothers dead body on the floor surrounded by blood.
that wasn’t the only nightmare thats on repeat. that one is more heartbreaking then scary. sometimes you’d have a nightmare with billy chasing you through a maze, taunting you with the ‘truth’ as he likes to say. ‘ you just stood there y/n.’ he would say running after you. you tripping and falling over vines, ‘ i didn’t mean to!’ you would shout back. ‘ you left me to die y/n’ he shouts. you’d get pulled into a wall with vines trapping you. he’d wrap a hand around your neck squeezing it. a single tear rolling down his cheek as he tightened his grip. ‘you deserve this y/n’ he’d choke.
it was the same two dreams over and over again on repeat. it wouldn’t stop. waking up everyday covered in sweat. your hair sticking to your face. your tank top stuck to your skin. you’d wake up with tears in your eyes. your chest heaving up and down. sometimes you’d wake up with a nosebleed too. blood would be dripping down to your white tank top staining it.
ever since the incident life has been shit basically. but a specific someone made life more bearable. a specific someone made you wanna get up from bed and actually do something and get something done. and that person is your best friend eddie munson. you don’t know he’s with you though. you weren’t exactly close before the whole star court accident, you weren’t close with anyone of the opposite sex to be exact. mostly because everyone feared billy. but now that billy’s gone you start hanging out with more people. not that you wanted to. your step mom susan forces you along with max, your sister.
you and max were extremely close when you first moved to hawkins. you hated how billy treated her and always tried to make him be less of an asshole to her, though it wouldn’t work a lot. so you became close with max. she’d always sleep in your bed whenever neil and susan would argue. or even cry when lucas and her would break up for the 4th time. you were always there for her. but ever since the whole star court accident you two just drifted apart. you both needed time for yourselves. you needed time to grief over billy. she needed time too. instead of spending that time together and recovering together, you two chose to just spend it alone which probably wasn’t the best thing to do.
you grab a bunch of tissues wiping your nose, you look in the mirror. the bathroom stalls behind you were taunting and mocking you, or atleast that’s what it felt like. throwing the tissue in the trash you pull the faucet lever. leaning your head down splashing water on your face. blood drips down the sink drain. “ fucking hell..” you mumble splashing more water on your face. looking back up you grab another tissue wiping your nose.
the bathroom door opens. you don’t turn to look though, it doesn’t really matter who it is. you look down at the tissue to see it’s still covered in blood, sighing you throw it in the trash. pulling the faucet lever again. “ hey..you alright?” someone says behind you. you recognise the voice, you also recognise the music blasting from the cheap headphones. “ yeah. yeah i’m fine.” you wipe your nose with the sleeve of your white shirt. “ you sure?” she says holding onto her walkman. you nod biting your lip, “ yeah of course max. see?” you turn around awkwardly smiling. she nods opening the door to one of the stalls.
you walk out of the school bathrooms only to be hit by the bright hallway lights and the sound of people talking and laughing. you grab your walkman from your pocket, you put the headphones on and press the play button. ‘rock you like a hurricane’ starts playing. it’s the song that billy used to blast whenever you two would be driving by the beach back in california. it brought back so many memories. you start walking towards your locker pushing past people earning a bunch of remarks and stares. the b word was thrown around a lot. but who gives two shits about what people think right?
“ the devil has come to america.” eddie says in a deep voice leaning against your locker, you grab your spanish book. “ dungeons and dragons, at first regarded as a harmless game of make-believe, now has both parents and psychologists concerned." he continues hiding his face in a magazine. you giggle closing your locker, “ shit look who’s revved up today.” you mumble taking off your headphones. “ when is he not revved up.” dustin says crossing his hands. " studies have linked violent behavior to the game, saying it promotes satanic worship, ritual sacrifice, sodomy, suicide, and even...murder." he throws the magazine onto the floor.
“ i mean they have to blame someone.” you mumble biting your nails looking at eddie, “ exactly! we’re an easy target. we’re the freaks because we like to play a fantasy game.” eddie crosses his hand in annoyance. the bell rings.
“ i’ll see you guys later.” dustin says turning around. you nod grabbing your backpack from the floor. you turn to eddie, “ i have to go to the guidance counsellor.” you mumble putting your headphones back on. pressing play on your walkman you start walking. “ hey hey l/n wait!” eddie jogs after you, you turn around taking your headphones off. “ you uhh up for the campaign later. my sadistic campaign? “ eddie says shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
blood drips down your nose. “ shit sorry..” you curse wiping the blood with the sleeve of your shirt. eddie looks at you, your eyes swollen. they look so empty and dull. that’s what they’ve looked like for the past few months but this week they seem worse? he already knows the answer. it’s a no. but he can’t help but try. he hates seeing you like this. it’s true that you and eddie didn’t talk when billy was around. but he still watched you from afar. he remembers how bright your smile was. he remembers how your eyes held so much happiness and joy when you talked. he remembers how you used your hands to exaggerate your words. he always thought it was cute. it’s like your a whole different person now. you never smile. you barely ever talk. you always seem to sneak your way out of plans with the club. you barely attend your classes and spend most of the time in school with the guidance counsellor. with all the amount of time you spend there people would think your slowly healing and recovering but your somehow still the same, even worse.
“ i..i don’t know eddie i have to go..” you mumble turning around grabbing onto the straps of your backpack. “ yeah yeah of course.” eddie says nodding, accepting his defeat. you walk towards the guidance counsellor ignoring the glances people give you. you sense some of them are of pity and some of them are of confusion. it’s been 6 months, just get over it. right?
you stop right in-front of the counsellor door. “ fuck..” you curse under your breath as your head starts throbbing. you hold onto the brick wall for support. your temples were buzzing. the back of your head felt like it was getting pounded into with a hammer. make it stop. make it stop. your temples twitch. your eyes squeeze shut. your eyebrows furrowing in pain. everything around you went silent. the sound of buzzing coming from your temples was the only that you could hear. it sounded distant though. you let go of the wall, grabbing onto your head tightly. you bite your lower lip trying to hold back a groan.
“ y/n..y/n..y/n..” it’s billy. it’s billy’s voice. you shake your head. “ y/n..” he says again. you look up opening your eyes, billy is standing right infront of you. or atleast you think it is. it’s blurry. it’s all blurry. but you could see the slight curls of his hair. “ y/n..” he repeats. you shake your head rubbing your eyes. “ y/n are you okay?” their voice changes. you look back up to see ms.kelley standing infront of you, crouching down to your level. “ y/n are you alright?” she asks looking at you. you nod with your eyes close. “ yeah i’m fine just a slight migraine.” you mumble. “ right.” she smiles opening the door for you. you step inside.
“ could you turn the music off, please?” she says pouring tea into a porcelain cup, “ sorry.” you mumble pressing the pause button on your walkman. “ A C- in spanish and a C- in math.” ms.keller says grabbing the handle of the cup along with a cookie. “ yeah.” you mumble looking down at your worn out jeans. “ well that’s not normal for you y/n.” she affirms setting the cup down on the table, along with the cookie. “ if you say so..” you mumble crossing your legs.
“ how’s your dad holding up?” you stiffen at the mention of neil. you intentionally avoid things that remind you of him. you gulp biting your lower lip, “ he’s..” you start biting your nails. “ he’s fine..i mean he’s changed since..” you pause memories of the event start playing in your head. you stare at the tea cup, it’s full about to tip over. “ but he’s fine..” you whisper letting go of your nails. “ how’s max?” she asks looking down at her notepad, “ shouldn’t you know?” you blurt out drying your wet fingers on your jeans. ms.keller sighs writing something down on her notepad, “ is your dad still drinking?” she asks clicking her pen repeatedly.
you gulp closing your eyes. “ like, yeah, a little bit but. well-“ you start biting your nails again. “ ever since the whole..” you take a deep breath in. “ thing i-i don’t blame him. so it’s not easy…” you mumble letting go of your fingers again. “ it must not be easy for you either with billy gone.” you tense at the mention of his name. how is this helping you? how is bringing up unwanted memories supposed to help you. you nod biting your lower lip. “ but you still have max.” she says placing her pen down. you clear your throat, “ yeah max..” you mumble nodding. she closes her notepad placing it on the table, “ are you sleeping better?” she asks grabbing her cup of tea.
the memory of you waking up in cold sweat earlier today plays in your head. you were shaking and breathing heavily. your clothes were sticking to your skin. so was your hair. your eyes swollen. your forehead was hot.
“ yeah fine..” you mumble looking down unable to make eye contact with her. “ no more headaches? no more nightmares?”
‘ you left me to die y/n!’ he shouts walking after you. ‘ billy stop!’ you scream tears rolling down your face. ‘ what kind of sister are you!’ he shouts picking up a car from the road and throwing it to the side. ‘ billy stop please!’ you scream.
“ nope.” you say looking back up. “ y/n? what you’ve been through, what your still going through, it’s a lot for anyone. and it’s okay to not be okay. but i can only help you if your truthful, if you open to me.” she sighs taking a sip of her now cold tea, you rub the back of your neck. “ yeah i..i know. i’m..i’m being open..” you take a deep breath in forcing a smile.
“ hey hargrove!” eddie shouts from a distance, you turn around taking your headphones off. he runs to you with a smile on his face. “ so about the campaign. are you still up to see eddie the dungeon master slay his victims?” he asks in a ‘scary deep’ voice. you bite your lower lip looking down, “ actually eddie i don’t know if i can..” you mumble trailing off. “ oh..that sucks.” he says dropping his smile. you nod turning around, “ how long is this gonna go on for?” eddie blurts out. he didn’t mean to say that. but he’s just so mad and upset of you blowing him off for 6 months.
“ what?” you say turning around to look at eddie. “ i mean how much longer are you gonna be like this?” he says narrowing his eyes. “ how much longer am i gonna be like what?” you reply raising an eyebrow. “ like this! your acting like nobody cares about you when we do-i do!” he says walking up to you, “ it’s been 6 months y/n almost 7.” he whispers looking down at his shoes. surprised by his own outburst. “ what’s that supposed to mean.” you say voice loud and stern. “ at some point your gonna have to get over it y/n..” he mumbles. his eyes widen, you scoff. “ wait no i didn’t mean it like that-“ you cut him off. “ right you didn’t mean it. do you still mean the ‘ i care’ part-“
“ y/n i didn’t mean to-“ you cut him off tearing up. “ because if you did fucking care eddie it wouldn’t matter how long it would take me to ‘ get over it’ because if you truly did care for someone you wouldn’t make them feel like a horrible person for grieving!” you shout tears rolling down your cheeks. when did it get so heated? was it his fault or yours? you had to burst eventually, and him trying to ‘comfort’ you and tell you to ‘ get over it’ just sent you over the edge. you kind of feel bad for him. you also feel guilty. you’ve been feeling guilty a lot these past few months. your always blowing everyone off. your cutting conversations short. your escaping your friends. but they can’t blame you for that. that’s just how you are now. you can’t..you can’t control it.
“ i’m trying y/n. i’m trying to be there for you. but how am i supposed to be there for you when you just keep pushing me away it doesn’t make sense!” his face starts to turn red, “ trust me eddie when i say i try my hardest not too. i’m really tryin-“ he cuts you off. “ everyone misses the old you. it’s like, it’s like your a ghost y/n!” he exclaims. people stare at you two as they walk by, some giggling some whispering. you nod biting your lower lip, “ i miss my old self too okay.” you whisper glaring at him. he glared at you, “ y/n wait-“ he reaches out for you. “ just forget it eddie.” you mumble turning back around. “ damn it!” eddie shouts kicking the trash can.
the pounding starts again. you sit up in your bed, holding onto your legs tightly. burying your head in between your knees. the left side of your face is completely numb and your right side is throbbing. everything around you is spinning. you want to scream. you want to cry. muscles your right cheek flex. you hold onto your head tightly as if that would make it stop. but it wont. nothing will.
your door slams open, you look up to see neil. “ why isn’t max home yet? ” he harshly says standing straight. susan stands behind him, she looks at you. your sweating. your chest heaving up and down. “ hey neil it’s alright shes probably just at the arcade.” she mumbles unable to make eye contact with you, she knows how far your father is willing to go to get answers out of you but you just look so tired. all though she’s your step mom and you two barely talk she knows something is wrong. call it ‘mothers instinct’ or whatever. when billy was around you’d sometimes talk to her. you’d even sometimes watch movies with her. but ever since the incident with billy your always locked in your room. she knows your going through a lot, so much. too much for your age and adding neil into it all is gonna make things worse.
“ you go to school with her y/n. you were supposed to watch her.” he says taking a step towards you. susan takes a step back, looking down at the floor. “ I know dad..i was..i’m sure she just-“ he cuts you off taking another step towards you. “ sure she just what? “ he says crossing his hands. you slowly stand up from your bed looking down, “ i’m sure she just went over to the wheeler-“ he cuts you off pushing you up against the wall. he “ i told you to watch over your sister.” he says tightening his grip on you. “ instead your cooped up in here crying like some bitch.” he shouts with his mouth wide open, spitting some of his saliva on your face. you close your eyes looking down, “ then you go look for her..” you mumble.
he slaps you across the left side of your face, now it doesn’t feel so numb. at-least you can feel something now. “ what did we talk about?” he whispers grabbing your chin. you shake your head tearing up. he tightens his grip on your chin, “ i said what did we talk about?” he whispers grinding his teeth. “ respect and responsibility..” you whisper taking a deep breath in. “ now, apologise to susan.” he says turning his head around to look at susan. you can’t look up. “ i’m sorry susan.” you whisper tears rolling down your cheeks.
susan watches you. her heart aches. she feels guilty, like this is all her fault. “ it’s okay neil really-“ neil cuts her off. “ no, it’s not okay, nothing about her behaviour is okay. she thinks just because her brother died she can have an attitude and be disrespectful to her family.” the mention of billy makes you bite your lower lip, your hands are shaking. you tear up at the mention of his name. “ but she’s gonna make up for it. she’s gonna go look for her sister. like the good, kind, respecting sister that she is. isn’t that right y/n?” he lets go of your chin. “ yeah.” you mumble taking a deep breath in.
the second the door slams close you fall down to your knees. you grab onto your left cheek gently rubbing it, a single sob escapes your mouth. you feel something running down your nose, you thought it was snot. reaching for a tissue you quickly swipe it across your upper lip, you open your eyes to see the tissue is covered in blood. “ damn it.” you curse standing up. grabbing a bunch more tissues you blow your nose into them. you look up and see yourself in the mirror. your hair is a mess. your eyes are bloodshot. water is collecting at the bottom lid of your eye. your lip begins to tremble. “ no..no!” you cry out grabbing your head. it’s happening again. oh god it’s happening again. you fall down to the floor holding onto your head.
“ wait so i don’t understand what’s going on?” nancy says running a hand through her hair, “it turns out chrissy had also been seeing the school counsellor-“ nancy cuts robin off. “ yeah but what does that have to do with vecna?” nancy says crossing her hands tilting her head to the side. “ so max and the other losers broke into the counsellors office to find clues leading to chrissy’s death when max realized she was experiencing the same unusual symptoms as chrissy.” robin babbles looking around the room. “ so we’ve come to the conclusion that max is also cursed by this weird monster thing-“ eddie cuts her off. “ vecna. it’s vecna’s curse.” he corrects making everyone look at, “ does that really matter right now eddie?” lucas says standing up. dustin shrugs. “ given how they’ve had the same symptoms that means..” robin trails off. max clears her throat, “ that i don’t have much time left..” she mumbles looking down.
“ where are the files by the way?” nancy says looking around the messy basement, “ over there.” dustin points at the corner where all the files were scattered on the floor. nancy walks to the files kneeling down grabbing them.
max drops her book. lucas looks at her. “ max.” he stands up. “ hey! hey! stay with me max!” lucas shouts putting his hands on max’s shoulders shaking her. steve rushes to max, along with eddie. “ wake up max! wake up!” steve shouts shaking max. her eyes were rolling to the back of her head. “ what’s happening what’s happening!“ robin shouts panicking running to max. “ it’s vecna’s curse! she’s under some type of spell!” eddie says looking at max who wasn’t moving.
max was falling down a black hole. screaming for help. “ help! somebody help!” she screams looking around only to be met with nothing. she falls down on her back, she immediately sits up looking around. star court mall. she looks around her. it’s dark and cold. there’s white fuzz surrounding her. there are vines scattered all across the floor. “ somebody!” she shouts standing up. silence. pure silence.
‘ do you remember what happened maxine?’ a deep voice says, max turns around trying to see where exactly the voice was coming from. ‘ or have you already forgotten?’ he asks again, the white fuzz disappears. the light blue light turns into an angry shade of red. ‘ when i kill someone.’ max looks around the mall panting. she hears a scream, billy’s scream from that one night. ‘ i never forget’
she looks up. the roof of the mall is gone. there are bats flying around. “ what do you want!” max shouts trying to catch her breathe. ‘ i see you've been looking for me, maxine. too busy looking for me, ignoring everyone and everything around you. too busy looking for and ignoring the calls of help from your sister am i right maxine?’ a vine grabs onto max, slamming her body against the empty car mode inside the mall. the very car steve almost hit billy with. it’s all coming back to her. all the unwanted memories
the mention of your name confuses her. what’s wrong with you? what’s happening to you? she knows you were heavily affected by billy’s death? but how does he know? how does vecna know about you? what does he want with you? what calls of help?
max screams as the vine drags her out the mall. she tries holding onto something but she’s moving too fast. she screams.
she gets thrown to a brick wall, the vines wrap around her legs and arms holding her in place. ‘ let go of me you asshole!’ she screams trying to break free but it’s no use.
‘ i see you for how you truly are maxine.’ vecna speaks again earning a bunch of swear words from max. but those stop when she sees you in-front of her, her eyes widen. “ y/n! y/n! y/n!” she screams trying to break free. you can’t hear her. “ let go of me you asshole! y/n! y/n!” max screams tearing up looking at you. your on the floor holding onto your head. your nose is bleeding.
‘ your too busy with yourself that you failed to see your sister is going through the exact same thing.’
max shakes her head in denial. “w-what?” she mumbles looking at your shaking figure on the floor. “ y/n! y/n! please y/n!” max screams looking at you. she turns to look at her arms still trying to break free. she gets one arm out, then the other. she tears the vines off her feet and runs to you, the second she touches you. you turn to dust. “ no! no y/n! “ max screams looking at the dust particles slowly fade into the air.
she turns around and she’s suddenly back in the mall. right where billy died. she hears you scream for billy, she turns around again to see you screaming and crying covered in bruises and blood. it was the day of the ‘fire’. you were running to billy only to get pulled back by steve and robin. she sees herself behind you. she was frozen. if she was to run to billy could she maybe have saved him?
she shakes her head. her nose starts to bleed. she looks back up to see she’s in a different location. she’s in your room.
“ y/n! hey! y/n! “ max runs to you falling down to her knees. she doesn’t wanna touch you. she’s scared your just gonna turn into dust again. “ y/n come on please!” she screams tears rolling down her face. she grabs your hand, this time you don’t turn to dust. her eyes widen when you look up at her. your eyes are bloodshot. you have a large hand print on your left check. you had blood running down your nose. ‘ save me max..’ you whisper tears rolling down your face.
you turn to dust again. “ no! no! y/n!” max screams standing up. ‘ you have lost maxine.’ vecna says as your room also starts to turn into dust, max turns around watching everything around her disappear. she looks down, she’s stepping on water. ‘ you have lost another sibling maxine.’ he says opening a portal under max, she looks down and starts screaming.
she opens her eyes and looks around, she’s back in the wheelers basement. her vision is blurry, water is collecting on her bottom eyelid. she’s trying her hardest to catch her breath. she falls into luca’s arms. “ it’s okay i’m right here i’m right here..” he cries holding onto her tightly. max sobs grabbing onto his hand. “ y/n..” max whispers looking up at them. “ what? w-what’s wrong with y/n? “ eddie shouts crouching down on the floor. he glares at max waiting for her to speak again. his heart starts racing. the color drains from his face. his stomach starts flipping and turning. nothing can happen to you. “ what’s wrong with y/n max!” he shouts grabbing max’s shaking hand.
max’s lower lip trembles. “ she’s..he’s coming for her..vecna is coming after her..” max cries tightening her grip on luca’s hand. everyone freezes.
nancy drops the file she was holding, the file that read y/n hargrove.
this can’t be happening. no no this can’t be happening. how didn’t he see the signs. this can’t be happening. the last time he talked to you, he was..he was shouting at you. he was judging you. last time he saw you, he made you feel like crap. he still remembers the look on your face, the look that you gave him. that can’t be the last look you give him. it can’t be.
nancy looks up at the clock. “ we have to go.” she says looking at everyone.
you stop crying for a moment. everything around you is quiet. you open your eyes. where are you? what’s going on? what’s happening? you were in your room not even a second ago. why is it so dark. why are there vines scattered on the floor and wall. why is everything torn apart. you turn around in panic and see a an old grandfather clock. the bell chimes four times, four times.
