and there was light

@pearlslife / pearlslife.tumblr.com

Hi! I'm Pearl. Seeking each day to love with grace & live with joy. Always running, loving Jesus, & drinking coffee. I'm a cardiac ICU nurse in Connecticut.
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Hi friends!

A little update

On a perfect perfect Saturday, I married the love of my life in Ranchos Palos Verdes. We’re honeymooning in Tahiti, Mo’orea, and Bora Bora as I post this. I finally get to call my best friend my husband, and it certainly will not get old any time soon. Love love love him.

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So. Many. Good. Memories.

A Summer Recap.

Last time I posted, it was early July and I was preparing for my CCRN. Well, I passed with flying colors! It's the first time in a long time that I studied for something, and it was a real feel-good achievement. For most of my life, I've had this "achievement" mindset-- where I put this pressure to constantly be working on or striving towards the next Big Thing. But in this season, I've been letting go of that. I don't (think I) want to be a CRNA. I don't (think I) want to be a NP. And sometimes, this little feeling of "not enough"-ness rises up in me. But the freedom I have found in letting go of those expectations of myself is something I'm truly experiencing for the first time this year. So, while I did push myself to study for the CCRN, I did it because I wanted to. Not because I wanted something else to add to my resume. And not because I wanted to prove anything to anyone except myself.

July and August was a lot of work- I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, and there ended up being like four events I had to go to, plus the 5 events of the actual wedding weekend (indian wedding!!). It was amazing to see my friend so happy, but I honestly will be very content not to be a bridesmaid again. It was stressful. Very stressful. And expensive. Very expensive. And going through that process made me really happy that I decided not to have a bridal party for my own wedding.

This summer was so busy and full- we didn't do much traveling since we're planning our wedding & saving for that, but we did a lot of small trips. Columbus, OH. NYC. Philly. LA. Boston. Upstate NY for a wedding. Lots of sweet little trips.

We are exactly a month out til the wedding and the nerves are kicking in. I'm so excited for this next chapter in my life. I know not many people are on this website anymore, but I spent so much of my life documenting things, so I wanted to say hi. :)

#personal#me
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life has been incredibly sweet

we have finalized most of our wedding details & took our engagement photos in palos verdes. we hiked down onto the water and up the cliffs and it was an incredible experience. this is one of my favorite photos from that day.

the past few months we’ve filled with concerts and music festivals, a trip to Florida, our joint bachelorette/bachelor weekend, and lots of running and lifting in between. I’ve been studying for my CCRN and it’s making me crazy that I don’t know how to focus anymore. Fingers crossed I pass.

In this season, I’ve been missing my grandparents a lot. my extended family fell apart after the death of my grandma. I’m thankful for my new family (future in laws) and for my chosen family (friends) as well as my immediate family.

#personal#me#running#runblr#runner
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snippets of the past four months:

november: engagement bliss. we spent a week in san juan, PR and it was perfect. we celebrated adi's 27th birthday dancing in the streets of la placita. a week later i turned 27 while working (i worked the night before my birthday). at midnight, my coworkers surprised me with a cookie cake and pizza. i love my coworkers so much.

for thanksgiving, i took time off and went to LA. while there, we chose our wedding venue! and i bought my dress! (not the dress pictured- though similar).

december: lots of shenanigans. we rang in the new year in philly.

january: my best friend visited me and i took her around my favorite places in ct. adi and i went to ohio to visit his family (my first time in ohio since 2018!!).

february: we are fully into wedding planning. we've booked most of our vendors at this point- it's been overall stress free. i decided early on i didnt want to stress about the wedding, and i didn't want to spend a lot of money. the process has been so enjoyable and i'm so excited to continue planning!!

march: on saturday, we saw ari lennox and tuesday we saw J.I.D. I LOVE THEM. we're going to dreamville fest at the end of the month and i cannot wait.

other things: currently running three days a week and lifting three days a week. love the hybrid training. currently cutting and almost done with it. i successfully did AN UNASSISTED PULLUP (actually can do two!!) which was a goal for 2022.

and on a more somber note- since 2023 started, we've lost close to 40 patients. we typically lose maybe 3-10 per month. it's been weighing on all of us lately. but i'm so thankful that i went to therapy because it has given me so many good coping skills. i used to be extremely sensitive to patients passing- and i don't want to say that i don't feel sadness anymore. but i know how to move on now. there are still some situations that hit me particularly hard- like the 29 year old patient i had for two weeks straight in january. in the end we couldn't save her. she passed away at 6:50am on my last shift before vacation, surrounded by 10 family members. she had been houseless for 5 years and hadn't seen her family at all. but because she was brought to the hospital, they got to spend her final days with her, and they ultimately chose to give her a "good death" as we call it. i've been a nurse for four years now going on five- and i have been shaped so much by what i experience at work. and i hope it has made me better.

#personal#nursing#running#engaged!!!#me
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LIFE LATELY

  • I've reverse dieted for the past 2-3 months and I've really pushed maintenance calories-- it's been worth it! I have so much energy and it really allowed me to to train hard for my half marathon. Now that I'm in maintenance, I'm tracking 4-5 days a week and eating intuitively 2-3 times a week- not because I'm trying to restrict but because I want to make sure I'm still pushing my calories. It's overall been a wonderful journey, and it's COMPLETELY changed my relationship with food. I've on and off struggled with it for as long as I can remember but I'm so thankful that I'm at the point that I am with food. Every year, my relationship with food has improved little by little as I've learned along the way. My body is actually the healthiest it's ever been- my cycle is better regulated, I get good sleep, my mood is stable. And while these are all things I really experienced in 2020-2021, I was still struggling with constantly wanting to diet. In 2022, I made it my goal to be my healthiest self, and I came to realize that I needed to actually take time in maintenance. So- as tempting as it is to cut when everyone else is- I promised I would spend at least 8 months in maintenance after reverse dieting. And while I've reverse dieted in the past, this is the first time I've then STAYED in maintenance. And what a joy it's been. I am completely satiated. I never knew what it was like to have a few bites of something super sweet or savory and being content- but I've come to that point??? Wild. WILD!
  • And because I am so well fueled, I accomplished something that I haven't done in four years- I broke 2 hours for my half marathon. I had been training for the past 12 weeks, 3 runs a week, mostly at recovery paces. It was often hot; humid; and the sun was strong. I bombed my last half marathon, and that loomed over me. But i really trusted the process and didn't put the pressure on myself. I kept lifting three days a week, and I made sure to fuel extra on the days I had long runs. This is the first race I've ever run where I had proper nutrition. I didn't lose a single pound- and that was the goal. It paid off. I ran 1:57:19, and that was with the first 3 miles that were 9:15-9:45 min pace. This is probably the first half marathon I've run where I properly strength trained, and it was noticeable during the second half. I wasn't completely run down and fatigued. i felt stronger and stronger with each passing mile. as I started passing the mile signs and seeing my pace, I was encouraged. I am so thankful for my body and for all it has endured. 2022 is the strongest my body has ever been, & the most at peace I’ve been with my health. I sprinted the last half mile passing many runners, and I crossed the finish line sobbing because I proved myself capable of something I didn’t think I would do again. Running has always been my first love, & it holds the most special place in my heart.
  • Work has been good- i've been off orientation for a year and 2 months now, and have been in the CICU for 1.5 years. I'm fully device trained, which is wild to me. I feel a lot of imposter syndrome most days, but i use it to motivate me to study and fully understand concepts, policies, and procedures. I cannot wait to continue growing.
#personal#me#nurse#icu nurse#running#runblr#health#fitness
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hi my friends! its been four months since i've posted anything here, mainly because i've been busy living life. some say tumblr is dying, but there is something about blogging that i appreciate so much- having a finsta just isn't the same. tumblr uploaded my photos backwards, so i guess we'll start in august and move back towards may.

i've been thinking a lot about family a lot recently because there are parts of my family i no longer am in contact with. this time last year through january 2022 there was a lot of personal loss & grief. i still have a lot of anger that i haven't worked through, and still don't feel ready to work through. i go between being able to accept & forget (note: not forgive. just accept.) and wanting to make them understand the hurt. i don't know that i'm ready yet to leave it behind me.but what matters most is that the familiy & friends & people who genuinely love me for me, and whom i love for who they are- those people are still close by and would be here in a heartbeat.

august is slipping away ! this summer has been hot and humid and sticky but so full. lots of ice cream dates at our favorite spot. i've truly fallen in love with this little city. i never dreamed i'd be here for four years and yet we're approaching that! i've been in the CICU now for over a year, and am fully device trained- impella, CVVH, TTM. i'm constantly humbled by work, and by how intelligent and hardworking my coworkers are. i! love! my! job! (sometimes) i had a string of deaths in may and june that really burnt me out emotionally. it was so hard. but the coping skills i really developed in therapy have been helping me so much.

i'm in the middle of training for a half marathon (six weeks away!!) because my sister wanted to run one. it'll be the first one i run WITH someone, so i'm excited for that. i'm running three days a week and hitting the gym three days a week (push pull legs). the balance i have with health and fitness is honestly unreal. i've been pushing my intake and protein and seeing so much more energy, satiety, and a lot less hormonal fluctuations. it's been FAB.

july was spent with family. my mom and sister visited my other sister in boston, so we all spent a lot of time together. i got to see my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents. july 2021 was the last time i saw my paternal grandmother in person and so i thought of her a lot. i miss her so fucking much.

in june DD and i went to curacao and it was a dream. i haven't taken a vacation like that in 3 years, so it was sooooo wonderful. i love! my life! i have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. stay tuned to the end of the year (which tbh will probably be the next time i post anything).

april was a tough month, but may was wonderful. we went to san francisco/the bay for a wedding and made it into a vacation. yosemite was absolutely breathtaking, and i fell in love with california just a teeny bit. i don't see myself ever living there, but never say never!

it's been a wild ride, but 2022 is shaping up to be one of the best years of my life. 2019, 2020 and 2021 were tough years- some of the most challenging years of my life. but i'm finding rhythm and balance in so many aspects of my life now, that i didn't think i ever would. my life is so sweet and so good.

#personal#running#runner#runblr#me
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pearlslife

goodbye goodbye (tw death, hospice)

My heart has been heavy this week. For the first time, I said goodbye to a patient being discharged on hospice. Something we don’t realize as nursing students in clinical is that there is a drastic difference between spending one 8 hour shift with our patients, and spending multiple shifts as their primary caregiver. As a nursing assistant, I often got patients several times. I got to know them and their families. I learned about what made them feel comforted, what made them feel afraid. But oftentimes in the pediatric med-surg world, our patients are resilient and heal. The adult floor where I am a nursing extern has proved to be different. While we have many patients who come in for a couple days and are healthy at discharge, we have many patients whose chronic illnesses and readmissions lead to gradual deterioration. In one day, two of my patients were told that there nothing the doctors could do to help them recover. One was put on palliative care. The other was told that hospice was more appropriate. “They told me I’m going to die.” On Friday, the hospice patient and their family decided that they wanted to discontinue a medication prolonging the patient’s life. It is a continuous infusion, and once it is tapered, there is no reversing the decision. The patient had significantly deteriorated over the course of the two weeks that I cared for them, and we all silently acknowledged that within a week, the patient would pass away. When we asked what the patient wanted, they said “I want to go home.” That day, my nursing preceptor (assigned to that patient), initiated the taper of the medication. As we left that evening at the end of our shift, we said goodbye. “Have a safe trip home,” I said. Nobody needed to say out loud the fact that home meant more than just being discharged.  Going home meant leaving their physical body behind, and ascending into whatever afterlife they believed in. It meant goodbye goodbye.   The patient looked at my preceptor and me, and said, “Thank you both so much.” And they smiled and squeezed my hand. That night, I went home and I cried. I didn’t want my preceptor or my patient or anybody to see me cry, and had put on a strong front. But as soon as I got on the phone with my mom, the walls came down. It didn’t matter that the patient was older, and had lived a full life. It didn’t matter that the patient was already sick, anyway. The loss of life is the loss of a soul that mattered to someone. It is the loss of a story. It is the loss of someone who we may have walked past on the street. It is the loss of something that was once physically tangible. I cannot compare how I feel with the family of the patient. But healthcare personnel—we do grieve. We do care about our patients. We do love them. But the thing is that beyond our sorrow over the loss of life is the joy of knowing that we cared for them the best way we could. And that is something we can keep doing for others.  

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pearlslife

& i still remember you, cam (pseudonym). 

my heart still breaks just like this after every death.

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pearlslife

one of the reasons why i keep this blog around- i love seeing how much i've changed over the years. at 21, i still had such a soft heart, capable of navigating the complex feelings in healthcare regarding illness and death.

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march recap

  • spring is in the air- we enjoyed some beautiful 50-70 degree days with plenty of sun, only for that northeast spring to smack us with some snow and 25* today. but i can feel the spring fever setting in.
  • you know that audio "i'm feeling like myself again"? i think it was from euphoria.. but i am truly feeling like myself. the past three months of therapy was transformative- truly and honestly. i lost a lot of myself. it started in august with the death of my uncle, and got worse through the sickness and death of my grandmother, as well as the transition into critical care. we touched on and worked through so many facets of my life and i feel like i really reconnected with myself. my therapist actually is no longer on the betterhelp platform because she took a new job, but i am forever grateful to her. this experience with therapy was the best so far that i've had, and for now i will be pausing my membership (based on her feedback too that i've been doing well!).
  • i got a haricut for the first time in eight months right after my therapy appointment. the last haircut i had was the day after my uncle died. it's kind of weird how that all circled back. lol
  • i've been loving my runs still! did my longest run since my half marathon on friday (only 6 miles) but i felt strong and so happy to be outdoors, soaking in the sun and the fresh air. a half marathon in fall would be fun, but overall i'm just focusing on doing things that feel good and non-stressful. so no race it is, for now!
  • still working on squats, deadlifts, and chin ups/pull ups, but my squats are getting better and better! right now, i'm working on my mobility because my long legs are making it hard to get much depth. i did deadlift 225 pretty easily! the workouts have been focused on overall fitness and wellness- my body seems happy with the mix of training- strength focus on the compound movements, hypertrophy and/or endurance range for accessory movements, lots of bodyweight functional movements (pushups and pullups namely), some conditioning thrown in (not too much since i'm doing a good amount of running), and of course my running 3-4 times a week!
  • we went to philly last weekend, and it was super fun. i haven't been in three years, and i feel like i experienced it in such a different way than before.
  • my relationship with food continues to go beyond what i ever thought it could. and i am so thankful.
  • in terms of nursing, i will be writing a separate post.
#personal#me#running#runblr#runner#health#fitness
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the past two months have been a blur

  • i started therapy in january with betterhelp and i am so thankful i can afford it. my insurance does not cover therapy fully/not many therapists in my area take insurance anyway/COVID means not many people are going in person for appointments quite yet so betterhelp was a good option for me. i navigated so much in the short few months i've been going through therapy, and one of the biggest things we unpacked was how much being bullied in middle school influenced me and shaped me into one specific trait i have- and that is, i don't try things when i know they can end in embarrassment or shame. my therapist will be getting a new job, so i have thought about pausing my membership on betterhelp because a. it is still quite expensive b. i'm actually in such a good place right now. my therapist came into my life at a point where i was really struggling with FEELING things, and where a lot of work trauma was affecting my personal life and my ability to cope. my coping mechanism at that point was NOT coping (lol). that, in conjunction with the death of my grandmother, really hurt my mental health. i feel really good about stopping therapy for the time being. i have so many great tools and worksheets that have helped me, and that will continue to help me moving forward.
  • feb had some warm days, as well as some SUNNY days. i put the pause on running for a lil in jan and feb because i was recuperating from trashing my half marathon, and also because i was doing a challenge that required lifting heavy 6 days a week. after the challenge ended, i fell back in love with lifting weights. right now i'm doing a push upper/pull lower/pull upper/push lower split, and it works out really well with running 3 times a week because it's lower volume (strength instead of hypertrophy). the balance i have with food and with running and with strength is something i've worked so hard to achieve, and i'm honestly stunned sometimes by how much my relationship with those three things has changed. also i'm shocked by how little i ate in college thinking it was enough when i was running high mileage ;-;
  • some things i've been enjoying are cooking at home; our weekly trips to our fave ice cream shop; and going out every couple of weeks
  • my relationship with alcohol is also much improved. the last time i was drunk drunk was the first week of december. i still enjoy cocktails, and who doesn't enjoy a little buzz? but i have not felt this good in a long time, and i credit that to down on alcohol. i don't want to say i ever had a toxic relationship with alcohol, but i don't want to say it was ever very healthy either. and as i get older, i want to be able to treat my body kindly. i really never thought i'd be at a stage like this so early on in my 20s, but it is what it is!
  • over the past few months, i've really started to bloom in my job. it's been about a year since i accepted the CICU job, and a year next month that i started here. i love it so much and while at times it is hard, and exhausting, it is so rewarding. i'm now able to take LVADs, and this summer i will be taking the therapeutic temperature management class, as well as the continuous renal replacement therapy class. i run to codes, and i've been able to learn and grow so much as a nurse. i just thought this little snap was a hit of mundane joy in such a chaotic place lol
#personal#me#running#nurseblr#nursing
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