9th of Midyear, Sundas

I sampled my newest lecture at the Nest on Turdas and I believe that it was well received. I focused on the aspect that I know to be the main difference between our Nest and others I have come across. The strength of religious conviction.

Now, I have been talking it through with Zethith and I can see where there can be an advantage to having some aspect of a Nest a glorified sex club.

If someone manages a long-term infiltration of your group, they only truly see the orgies and other mild debaucheries that titillate nobles and other wealthy persons with more time than sense. If you are raided, there is little to be found but some suggestion of people trying to be edgy, you get a slap on the wrist, a fine or a night in a cell, and then you are let go with a verbal warning.

You are less likely to be taken seriously as a threat of any kind by Ordinators when all you are known for is allowing a bunch of people to get together and indulge their carnal desires. It is hardly against the law unless someone can manage to twist the law to some way and have you pay the fine for prostitution without being registered with the guild or as an independent worker.

Since I have such a rigorous screening capability, unless Tanur were to make some large blunder, or a current spiderling decided to turn on us, we do not have to worry quite so much.

Speaking of Tanur, his little gatherings are going fine. I hear that non of my future deathweavers have continued to participate in the activities, save for Ebony, who has made an occasional appearance. I think all of them have decided to concentrate on their more intense training.

As such, I have set for them a new goal. Each of them has been given someone that they must, using any of the pillars of our Prince they choose, to obtain a personal item from them. It cannot be something like a purse or something that any thief might be able to accomplish. I want something that requires getting close.

We shall see, next month, how they have actually done on their goals. I need to start training them how to use the skills they are learning to a more practical ability.

Of course I did my usual observation of their practice in the training room. They are greatly improving. Blaze and Effervescent continue to push each other with their competitive streak. I feel as though there is some sexual tension that has grown out of it and, honestly, I hope they continue to use that to work hard. Prince, he is an interesting fellow indeed.

Once everyone had gone to wash up, he approached me and asked if there were any way to get additional lessons or some private instruction. I felt as though he was trying to seduce me, but I did not say no, only inquired as to whether he had any particular concern. To this he said he was worried about his form. He said that men were not as agile as mer and that he was hoping to build his flexibility and to get help with the magickally based aspects of things, since he did not have a natural gift.

While I do not doubt that he was trying to get more than that of me, if any part of his request were true, I could hardly turn him down. After all, it was my own inability with magicka that had led me to this path and it was the careful instruction of my own teacher that allowed me to excel.

I strive to try and embody Luayl, though I hope to avoid developing romantic feelings for my pupil as he did. Of course Prince is hardly as young now as I was when I started, even making adjustments for the different lifespans of our respective races.

Prince has been told that I must make arrangements before agreeing to his request. If I felt like he could be trusted with my identity, I might try and have him hired on as a bodyguard and he would be able to observe and train more readily. The alternative is, of course, to have set times during the evening where I meet him at the Cathedral of Webs. The thought of so much teleportation turns my stomach. Yet it is the price I must pay if I desire to have the best Deathweavers.

The one most keen for my new lecture series, however, is Ebony. Not a great surprise given how I pulled her from the Maulborn because of her religious following. I spoke of the importance, even as devotees of our Prince, to honor their close siblings of the True Tribunal. Of why it is that the Prince of Dawn and Dusk should be given great reverence and why we had so much respect for the Ebony Serpent.

Ebony spoke to the others about her own beliefs in Lord Boethiah and what had drawn her to such a cause. Of course it was not as powerful for those who were not Dunmer, but I think that it drove the point across, nonetheless.

Like Prince, Ebony came to me after we had concluded our monthly rites and asked if we could talk. She had many thoughts and feelings about having focused her worship to a single Prince. And while I would not normally encourage such things, I did explain to her where in our liturgy we were actually giving honors to the other of the Three and why I felt it was important to retain such words in our daily practice.

Further, I told her that I have my own personal practice outside of my devotional duties to our Prince, wherein I make the appropriate ancient veneration of all Three Princes. I encouraged her to not give up on her desires to venerate Lord Boethiah and said that as long as it does not interfere with her duties in the Nest or in her having the best quality of life, I should like her to resume such worship.

She threw her arms around me, so overcome with emotion that it was not until she had already done so that she pulled back. I touched her cheek softly and told her that it was alright. In this place we are safe. That we can have some trust in the best intentions of one another, if you ensure that the spiders and Daedra are well cared for, at least. But that all us mortals must be allowed to live and work together as a family.

And it made me think, having so many people who no longer are seen to go to jobs, it might become suspicious, even if they do not frequent town quite so often. But perhaps that only leads more suspicion back to us.

Therefore, I have began to work with Tanur on a way to give the appearance of working a regular set of jobs. As he is a merchant, there are many jobs that can be done that give cause for people to be seen around one another.

As such, I am creating a list of potential jobs, some of which will be actual work, for those that would like to have more to do during the day or interact more in the public. For those that mostly wish to spend their time at the Nest and focused on their learning and honing their skills, there are less frequent opportunities, jobs such as courier. A merchant with a delivery service is rather handy. It will allow them all to earn additional wages, should they wish to do so, but also to be able to start to test the skills they have been practicing out with the public.

Zethith is skeptical of the plan until I have done more, but I think they are mostly glad to see me putting more time into my Nest. I think they believe I have been slacking on my duties and not devoting enough time to them. But I am here to prove otherwise!

I must write more lessons and give them more practice time. I want my spiderlings to be ready to start performing tasks assigned to them by the end of the year. There is too much to do that I have been putting off.

6th of Midyear, Turdas

While I have some more free time, on account of my needing to prepare the manor for Tel's pregnancy and my newest child, I have been investing more time into trying to undo what Urtisa has done to our garden.

I invited a series of well known botanists and a couple of the Temple's foremost scholars on past instances of poisoning crops and land.

The past few days have seen a flurry of activity around the grounds. Not only did they take a look at the strange plants that began to grow and the crops and other plants of ours that have died, they also have been looking into the soil composition, our well water, the fertilizers that have been added to our crops, and the conditions of weather compared to those in previous years. One of the botanists even did a survey of the enchantments whose traces were still found in and around the home. I was told she would not remove any of them until we have spoken about what each one does.

This weekend I shall be going through our options with Plays-With-Fire and Mother along as well. I need to understand more about these ambient enchantments and how they might play a role. Not that I do not trust experts, I certainly do, only, I know how people in this city work. I need to be sure that I am not paying for unnecessary services or ignoring ones that we might need.

Similarly, I do not want to accidentally remove an enchantment that may have been placed by one of my ancestors that still is very much in need of remaining. Can you image how angry Mother would be at me if there were some thousand year old curse that was accidentally removed and ran amok due to my negligence? Parish the thought of me being responsible for another blunder in the eyes of the House.

When I am not working with the experts or doing my own research, to which I must thank Father for allowing me additional access to the Temple's more rare collections, then I am working on my own lesson plans for the Nest. It is nearly time to meet with them again and I shall not let Zethith or my Prince down again. I have much I owe and I do not like to be seen to be lacking in my responsibilities, tired or not.

As I am having to worry about some of my prized poison garden at home, I have put in an order for new seedlings that I am going to install at the Cathedral of Webs. Summerset is, unsurprisingly, a good location for growing plants and I plan to take full advantage of such. If I can manage a scroll on a disguise spell that I trust, I might even make my attempt to purchase some of those plants native to the Isles. I can already see how much suspicion it might throw on the Dominion if poisons that are not sold outside of the Isles were to suddenly be found to have killed someone of the Pact or Covenant. If I were more politically minded, it would be a particularly nasty weapon indeed.

I am getting ahead of myself, though. For now, I must start to grow a second poison garden. I simply hope that the conditions for some of the mushrooms I use will be alright. If not, I suppose I will have to make space for them indoors, where they can be in darker, damper conditions.

27th of Second Seed, Morndas

Well, I cannot say that I am surprised in anyway, but the circus mysteriously disappeared the morning after we had attended. Apparently many people who attended found themselves light on coin and other valuable items and when the Ordinators went to question them, they only found the matted down vegetation in the shapes of their various tents.

Tel was moderately upset about it and seemed to feel responsible for not turning the thief I had caught in. I think after so much congratulations to me, they felt worse about not having simply allowed me to do whatever it was I was going to do to them.

As I had said previously, I was not about to waste my time on a pickpocket. Really those of the upper crust who lost items only have themselves to blame. Did they not have their items enchanted? Did they honestly assume that Nords would be too stupid to attempt such distraction techniques and so allowed themselves to go in without any protection whatsoever?

Do I feel bad for some that may have been of lesser means, certainly! They did not deserve that. Honestly, this is why I hate the Thieves Guild so much, they do not teach any common decency.

The Breton siblings continue to tout themselves as the great intellects who have finally solved the issue of low pregnancy issues amongst mer. I cannot tell if they are simply trying to amass as much fame and fortune before people discover their ruse, or if they truly believe that which they espouse.

As long as it keeps them out of my home, I do not much care. I hear that they are being summoned before the Grand Council to give a talk on their methods. Mother has kept silent on her opinions on this matter. She cannot be seen to be against their ideas and have voted for its use during the House Council meeting, though I suspect that she was more interested in keeping more eyes upon me.

I received a letter from Fennorian today. It was rather sad news. Devastating, really.

It seems that Count Ravenwatch has passed. I will not recount the details here, I have the letter if I should wish to remember them. Still, it was hard news to swallow, even if it explains the long absence of our communication.

News of his death makes me realize that I had thought of him in some ways as a sort of mentor. Well, not quite so intimate, though he was certainly a confidant. Verandis was very candid with me and when I solicited his advice, he gave it rather freely. I can only imagine how difficult the politics of High Rock must be right now. Such a precarious position that the Ravenwatch must find themselves in. Verandis was such an accomplished politician and able to assuage the fears of leaders around him. I can hardly see Gwendis or Adusa-Daro able to provide as much assurance. Adusa-Daro seems the most natural choice as leader of their house, but I wonder if the Covenant would allow a Khajiit, let alone a vampire Khajiit to have such power within their ranks.

I know Fennorian has elected not to step into that role. I fear he is the one most capable of being the political face of the house, yet his fear of losing control has seen him abstaining.

In my response to him I have sent an offer of a place of safety, should the political situation become too delicate there. It is perhaps overstepping my position as a Widow, but I owe the Ravenwatch much. There is much to be gained from an alliance if it were to come to it, though I know most of that house must curse the names of all Daedra given that they are bound to Coldharbour upon their passing.

Oh gods! Poor Verandis!

I wonder, would there be a way to free him, given that the Mages Guild still has a portal to that plane?

I must stop. I have more than enough to deal with in my own immediate vicinity, I need to not rush off to solve someone else's problems when mine loom so large before me.

Still, I would very much like to go and visit the Ravenwatch. Perhaps I can find an excuse to bring Sildras to High Rock. Perhaps as a family trip before Tel's pregnancy proceeds too far. I have no idea what the impact of teleportation might do on a child in womb.

So very much to consider.

25th of Second Seed, Sundas

It seems that Tel comes for their monthly visit with much news.

Apparently they have not bled since their last visit. the House is ecstatic. They all have congratulated themselves on their employment of the Bretons.

The one positive is, since it appears that Tel might well be pregnant, the Bretons have fulfilled their contract. And with such a quick period from their methods being utilized until apparent success, the clamoring for their services has been high.

Good riddance, I say. At least they are off. Mostly, it seems, to provide lectures to the grandmaster of every House, all of which are very excited to see how they can expedite the production of their own heirs.

Already I have heard that many scholars from the different Houses are beginning their own lectures either supporting or refuting the methods, some devising supposed better methods for guaranteeing pregnancy. Others say that it remains to be seen if such methods produce a strong or viable heir.

Whatever the case, I would hate to be any woman without means in House Telvanni. No doubt they will be doing many live experiments. All dreadful to the maximum.

To celebrate, the House allowed me to have my time with Tel free of other obligations, save for ensuring that I am doing my duty to see to nursemaids being interviewed, that the nursery is to proper standard, that Tel has the best doctors lined up, all of these things.

Of course, there will be a confirmation of the pregnancy to come. As it has been so little time, they will conduct the first one on Tel's next visit, but let us know it may take several months for the child's life force to be big enough to detect as separate within Tel's body.

The chefs have all been given instruction of what sorts of meals to produce to provide optimal nutrition to Tel and our new child as it grows within Tel.

As there was a rare circus in town, I elected to take Tel as a way to get their mind off of the madness of the House's response thus far. According to many in the Council, it is a fully authentic Nord Circus, hard to believe one would make their way to the warmer climate of Morrowind during the warmer months of the year, but that is what I was told.

Typically only Argonian circuses ever venture to Morrowind in the summer, fr under the tents it can get so very hot in the humid, scorching months from Midyear to the end of Last Seed. Still, they had such astounding reviews, I could hardly resist.

To say authentic, well, that was certainly untrue.

There were fully legitimate acts, of course. The falconry act and bear wrestling were certainly showcasing the real art and skills of Nords. And the mead they served, while of a drier variety, was the real thing.

Where things felt far more to be akin to the side show acts of Cyrodill, were the men in fake beards pretending to be the very worst stereotype of a Nord, right down to a very fake accent. There were calls to the audience to prove they could out drink a "true Nord lass" or to withstand the blizzards of the Throat of the World, all recreated there before you by mages.

Although the acting of what was, in some cases, an Imperial pretending to be a Nord, was feeding into the worst prejudices and calling it humor, there were occasional moments of actual feats. While the recreated blizzard was the work of mages, there was a point where the man, in naught but a loincloth, was not only pelted with snow, but encased within ice itself. And though I suspect there were some spells in place to support him from dying of the ordeal, it was quite an impressive showing. He did manage, with the very essence of a showman, to act the part of someone not bothered by the cold, even when his skin had turned purple in places. He did not even shiver. I have to applaud the acting in such a case.

I think my favorite part was the "Sabre Cat Princess". The narrative said that this bearded beauty was the sole survivor of a bandit attack as a child and was found by a female sabre cat who had recently lost its cub and adopted her instead, raising her as its own. And now, sabre cats, as though the maiden were one herself, saw her as one of their own. Of course she was wearing scraps of a sabre cat pelt, her beard, and they never quite explained why she had one, was spotted as the cats themselves. She had longer fangs and nails and did a whole act of being licked by one of them and then climbing into a pile with two of them and all of them looked just as docile as could be. A far cry from when they sabre cats were first brought out and scratching and roaring at the audience.

There feels as if there is more to that story. Not that I fully believe it, but I do wonder how she was able to successfully achieve such a feat.

The worst part of the circus was the clowns. I think they were supposed to be bad? It was difficult to tell. Their jokes, if one could call them that, made little sense. I think perhaps it was a translation issue in trying to tell some of them in Dunmeris. They should have kept them in common.

After the failure of the jokes, it was into a sort of slap-stick routine, very much like the morality puppet shows the Temple once put on. But it mostly was just an excuse to watch several supposedly drunk Nords fist fight one another and fall down a lot.

I give the circus credit, they did have some moderately good pickpockets. During the very impressive trick riding portion, mostly horses, though there was one kagouti, I felt a hand trying to reach into the fold of my robe where Dunmer generally keep their purses. I pressed a knife to the center of the wrist, still enjoying the show, and told the person, who was very much reaching up from behind the seating, that it was going to cost them if they wanted to get a hand into my clothing. Tel looked over at my words, worry plain on their face.

I know that they were worried I was about to murder a man at the show. Or at the very least, amputate one. The hand stopped and pulled back slightly, freezing when I pressed the knife harder.

I did not particularly care if they were pick pocketing the rich. That is a longstanding tradition of the circus and other shows of its ilk. And honestly, for the way I was misled by the Council, I was happy for other members and those nobles of the other Houses to find themselves with a lighter purse. So I let them go with a warning.

Tel looks so relieved and proud. They kept telling me how wonderful it was to see me granting such mercy. It seemed better to just let them think of it as a show of mercy than to try and explain that I thought that a redistribution of wealth was typically a good thing when it came to the elite of the city. It would have been a long conversation and I already know how Tel feels about laws being upheld properly, so I merely let them give me the compliment.

Sildras seemed generally excited about Tel's news. I think the idea of a sibling that will actually be living with him is truly exciting, though I know the age difference may be hard at times. He has lost so much and been kept from all his other siblings. I see how it wears on him. If nothing else, this happy news, which comes so soon after his nameday, has certainly lifted his spirits.

Now, the fact that Tel may in fact be with child did not stop us from enjoying the activities related to our arrangement. We made ample use of the intended purpose of the visit. Though with the watching eyes and pressure off of us, we were able to get back to our usual dynamics. It did feel more natural to return to my being the one to take their seed, rather than the other way around. Or perhaps it is just that I missed the sensation. Not that we did not do both, we certainly did, but it was nice to have some sense of normalcy return.

19th of Second Seed, Sundas

No sooner had I returned from my trip with Sildras, than I was informed that the Council had a mountain of tasks for me to complete.

And as if that were not enough, as soon as I am nearly done with one of those tasks, I get a hurried missive about a supposedly more pressing issue for my consideration that requires an answer or response by the end of the day or first thing in the morn.

Even this morning, the one day I am usually free of obligations from the Council, I was asked to work on another project. All as if I had not been given one to complete near on midnight and had to stay up to work on.

I have a nice bottle of brandy to fortify me this evening. I am a bit sore after I threw myself into the renovations we are underway in the garden. Even after having tried digging out all of the toxic materials and salting that Urtisa did to our garden and crop lands. WE had thought everything was out, but with all the rain, things that must have been buried deeper than we had thought imaginable. For much of the land has started to sprout strange weeds and many of our plans seem struck with diseases that we have not encountered ever before.

I helped the grounds keeping crew with ripping out all the awful, bizarre weeds. We dug down to a point where we needed ladders to get in and out with the buckets of soil.

Three days we have been toiling away. Finally we have either gotten it all out, or have come close to. Any further digging and it risks the foundations of the manor. Urtisa would fetching love knowing that. The foul alit deserves worse than she--no.

On second thought, Nabine gave her something that even I was unable to stomach. I cannot even be sure that anyone deserved that sort of death. I mean, of course she was an evil woman. Look at how months and months after her death we are still working to repair all the damage she left in her wake.

Yet, there is a part of me that finds it hard to feel wholly satisfied with her end. Perhaps it was just too close to my own fears. Or too close to the way the Thalmor treated me when they wanted to get information from me.

May both. I could not say. I do not dare think too much on it.

I miss when things were simpler. Those days on the run in Skyrim suddenly do not feel so bad. I sing and fuck for room and board. I kill when I need to. I was mortal, but my responsibilities were only to keep myself alive. I could pursue those beautiful moments of connection with people as I went and leave when I fell under suspicion. Then I could return when I wished to continue that relationship I had.

Now I know too much to go back to that. My heart is torn and so tangled int he brambles of my various relationships. Despite my fear and frustration and sadness, my feelings for Nabine remain as strong as ever. And despite how great the distance, my heart still yearns to return to Qau-dar.

And though I have fantasies of pulling away from the House and going back on the road, I cannot abandon my son. Sildras deserves better. And I love him too much for that. And with the House he will have everything he needs for a good life. Further, I still get to see my daughters.

When did everything become so troublesome?

How I wish that Leythen were still alive. I could just pull out a stone and get his advice. I miss when I did not have to be responsible for everyone and everything. When I just could take orders and do my mission and return for my accolades. Damn Nocturnal for her plots. And damn the betrayal of her champion.

You know, it has been a while since I spoke with Naryu. I wonder how she is holding up. I shall have to write to her. Hopefully the city's economy falling has not made it harder for the Morag Tong. They will likely have just moved to other areas.

Still... I wonder if she could put me in touch with someone. Someone willing to train in basics of assassination. My future death weavers could certainly use a dedicated teacher. I fear that for now I am not the correct person.

Once I have my finances back in order, I should look for more opportunities to work on this.

14th of Second Seed, Tirdas

Sildras' nameday was so lovely. Mother managed to hold her tongue. She was far more restrained than usual. She let Father take the lead on celebratory speeches and conversation.

Father looks so much more frail than he once had been. There was a thinness to his face that frightened me on first seeing it.

I did not mention anything about it to him, though. I wanted to keep spirits high for Sildras' sake.

Some of his peers in his art and riding classes were invited. All he invited were in attendance. I think it was something that many of the parents of the invited would not miss. Many of them were lesser nobles who had status to gain from being seen to be invited to our home.

Sildras was so happy to run about with his peers and show off his games and books. I do not know how much the other children were able to appreciate his particular interests or not. It is so hard to know when there are those of lower status, when they show appreciation if it is genuine or if they are trying to be on your good side. Do they want to your favor regardless? Are they appreciating what things you have without understanding the significance of the items to you? And how do you ever know?

Perhaps these are just my own lifetime of fears. I held my tongue and just let Sildras enjoy himself for the day. I will provide more guidance in such matters at a later date. Perhaps I shall have Avon bring it to him. After all, Avon has been on the other side and may have more clear guidance on how to tell.

Gifts were received from dawn to dusk. A good day to be a courier. Actually, there were still parcels being received this morning.

Sildras was very pleased to have something from Tel. Yet by far his favorite gifts were the ones from his sisters. Nabine did not allow them to attend, but I am so grateful that she allowed them to send along something. Kuna used a pelt from her hunt to make a pouch. She stamped into the leather of the inside a rough shape of the Indoril crest. Cariel made a doll of herself for Sildras and said she made one of Sildras that she kept with her, so that it was like they were always together.

He slept in today, very unusual for him. I think he was tired for being up so late last night to read the new books that Plays-With-Fire had gifted him.

If he feels up to it, I have promised him that we will go out and forage for some alchemy reagents. He only asked for me to teach him more alchemy for his nameday and I told him we would.

I am blessed that the Council, as a reaction to our awful weather, has taken a short hiatus to check in on the impact of the weather upon the lands both within the city limits and in our House's lands stretching from Deshaan to Stonefalls.

As such, I have been granted my prayers of having time to plan out my next lessons for the Nest. Maybe more important than that, I have the time to spend with my son. I know Sildras has shown his displeasure with how little time we have spent together lately. It is the least I can do to make up for all that has happened to him.

13th of Second Seed, Morndas

Where did Rain's Hand even go? It was just First Seed and now, already, Second Seed.

I suppose it is just the madness of spring.

The weather plummeted and early crops all failed, once again pushing prices up. To add to that, after two weeks of freezing temperatures at night, we suddenly got blistering hot. Then another cold front came in, causing horrible storms.

There was much talk about how the Gods must be displeased.

Not just Almsivi, but the Divines, too. Everyone in Mournhold was talking about how it might be some sign that Daedra were trying to invade Nirn again and there were many petitions to Almalexia to try and do something.

Of course the Tribunal Temple assured everyone that Mother Morrowind had said it was no more than just the result of volcanic activities occurring on Vvardenfell and that she would speak to Vehk about the affect it was having upon the mainland.

The storms were so awful that the mages of Shad Astula and the Mages Guild were both being employed to help as best they could.

We had some major damage ourselves. A tree was struck by lightning and destroyed our main chimney and caused severe damage to our tower. Part of the western wall was damaged as well.

It has taken nearly all of my time to get these repairs taken care of. Avon was doing his best, but with Sildras back in school and needing to coordinate that, the matters of the home fell back upon me to some degree. Even if it was mostly managing to review and sign off upon Cheerz's proposals.

Then there is the matter of planning for Sildras' nameday. Another major celebration to which I insisted I be involved in. Mother had far too many ideas of how I should spend my money and many of them lacked taste. Usually I think of her as a woman of fine tastes, but for some reason when it is not for her own sake she seems to set aside her usual standards.

My new Council duties have prevented me from having the necessary free time to take care of my personal obligations. I do not presume that to be coincidence. It is almost certainly done with the express purpose of keeping me out of the trouble that the House seems to think I shall fall into if they do not make my life completely miserable.

Planning lessons for my Nest has been even more difficult than it previously has been. I long for some time away to focus on it. My Spiderlings deserve a proper education.

Then there are those bloody Bretons! As if fitting in the time to allow for some sensuality in the brief time I may spend with Tel, even if for our intended production of progeny, is not difficult enough, those two have to come in and critique everything. Poking and prodding and asking me not to finish yet, to wait until just as the hour is struck. Or to hurry up, for there is only twelve auspicious minutes in the whole of the day because of Seconda being in retrograde for the day.

If it would not be so obvious that I had done the deed, I would kill them myself. The Three know it has been far too long since my blades were whetted with an offering to my Prince.

Zethith has expressed some concern about my plots and how they have fallen from my priorities. I have tried to explain this to them, but they have hardly been as sympathetic as I might have liked. All the more reason why, as soon as my son's nameday is concluded, I shall have to find some excuse to get out of the city for a while.

I wonder if I might make a trip to check up on the Ravenwatch. I have not heard from Fennorian in some time. Far longer than he has ever gone without word before.

30th of First Seed, Loredas

How this month has flown by!

Not all of it is bad. Many a good thing has come to me, a relief for sure.

My girls are back with me, which is part of why I have not lifted my journal in so many weeks. I have missed them and desired to fill as much time as possible with them.

I had hoped to bring my journal along for our visit to the Mabrigash, but my things were packed for me and with a last minute super and tea at two other Councilor's abodes the night before we left, I neglected to put it in my possession before we headed out in the carriage. I realized it not far from our destination, but by then it was too late.

With Mother being there and my only just being allowed back amongst the tribe, I did not wish to risk losing my rekindled hospitality.

No sooner were we back, when it was time to receive Tel for our monthly obligations. And with Tel and the girls both, there was even more to occupy my limited time.

I recall now why it was that I had not sought to renew my position on the House Council. What a monumental waste of everyone's time.

Of course there are issues which are important and are brought before the Council, but they are so few and far between and the rest of the time is spent with everyone scheming and trying to slow the progress of every single other member they have bad blood with. Of course, as long as most of them have been on the Council, nearly everyone hates each and every other member, their allies included.

So I mostly stay silent and observe. Zethith says that I should use this time to focus on the relationships between all the Councilmer, to study their dynamics, and to learn the threads that keep this delicate dance in check. They say that if I wish to make any changes, even outside of the Council, within the structure of my House, then I must learn the intricacies best to manipulate.

They are not wrong, of course. It is simply tedious and boring. It is so much easier to bring oneself to action! To drive a dagger into a foe or to slip poison into their favorite vintage. Changing to this slow long-game strategy is certainly not natural for me. Yet if it is an order from my Prince, what choice do I have but to learn?

At least with Luayl I am able to practice something moving. He continues to insist that I let go of what is holding me back, those fears and scars. It is infuriating! What holds me together is that rage and desire not to again let things happen like they have before.

We have made some progress on my dreams. I do not know how to feel about it. The ones that feel like Vaermina has designed them meticulously have begun to decrease in frequency, though they certainly remain. What I find instead, are strange dreams with images of the dead. Not always scary, the dead, so long as they are not reanimated, are not necessarily frightening. And I rarely feel afraid of them when I confront them.

At one point I saw what looked perhaps to be a woman, though even now the image and memory are very vague, but the way her lips curved, right before she was skeletal again, reminded me so very much of my grandmother, Mother's mother. Though I only truly met her as a child, a very young child at that. Yet I got the impression of her from it.

Bizarre. I have no notion as to what it may mean. Luayl says he is looking into what these patterns could mean. I do not expect he could know more than the Farseer might.

She had a long talk with me just before we left, after the festivities of our Lady of Dusk and Dawn had concluded. As the others were packing up, she asked to speak with me in her yurt.

I obliged. And I had not intended to bring my dream for her to interpret, trying not to put any further demands upon her. Yet she asked me about it.

When I explained to her the dream I had and she asked about other similar dreams, she seemed very interested in all these spirits that seemed to appear to me in my sleep.

Despite answering all of her questions, she said she could not yet tell me what the dreams, any of them, meant. She did say that my ancestors had a message for me, they were trying to lead me to something. Yet she could not tell me what.

I asked her how to find this answer and she told me that Lady of Moon and Stars had already given me the clue, I simply had to follow it.

Always so fetching specific these signs.

When Sildras asked what my dream was, I told him I had forgotten as soon as I awoke and that I was still trying to remember. A lie, I know, but I did not wish to spoil his mood, nor to get him too curious. He is growing up so quickly and he needs stability now, before he must go off and become a grown mer.

Avon was also curious, but took my answer to Sildras, knowing how I so often cannot recall dreams, at face value. It is good enough to leave it there.

The Farseer has given me a task. She tells me that I must dedicate more of my time and faith to The Three. She has asked that I spend a month on each of our Princes, though she says that I should hold off on my Prince until the end and that when I do so, I must follow only those rites that I have learned from her people, not even those taught by other tribes. I must focus on these rites alone until I have concluded them all and given her the summation of my experiences. I am even to keep writings on my experiences throughout.

This is a difficult ask. I still have obligations to my Nest. I cannot refrain from supporting them. Yet I feel as though there is something the Farseer has not told me about the importance of sticking to her task to the letter.

B'Cahn, how am I to do all this? How can I find any time?

And yet, I must do it. She would not have asked so great a task of me if not for a good reason. She did not ask Mother to tell me, she asked me directly.

At least the children are enjoying the daily prayers. I decided I should start first with Lord Boethiah and have taught the girls the morning prayers. Kuna is very excited about it, I suspect because of the martial aspects of the accompany the prayer. Cariel keeps trying to ask what this has to do with Almalexia. I fear she cannot let go of the idea of the Triunes and wishing to learn more about them. She has completely bought into her lessons in a way I very much dislike. The only way I have gotten her to join us, is to say it is to learn the ancient ways that our people worshiped before Almsivi took power and that our modern practice is directly based off the ancient rituals.

Tel was very happy to tutor Cariel further in the prayers and rights of Almalexia and it seems the only thing that Kuna take interest in when they talk.

What has this household become?

12th of First Seed, Tirdas

Zethith has overheard of my recent troubles with the Council. They have suggested that I make an example out of the biggest obstacle. As long as it cannot be traced back to me directly.

I cannot pretend that I do not enjoy the thought of having one less of those fetching Councilors trying to blame me for every small infraction ever inflicted upon their lives and looking for any reason to have me slain. But even more tempting is to see to it that I could be rid of Councilmer Falas.

As such, I have set up my deathweavers to do some surveillance work. I have said it is simply practice, but my hope is that it will mean I can then help them to escalate to actually carrying things out.

This is a far more delicate job than I think they can handle. Truthfully, I want to handle it all myself. Yet I know that I have to be able to hand these jobs off. If only I could get them better training opportunities.

In the meanwhile, at least they will have the opportunity to travel, see new sights, and even bond with one another as their skills grow.

I have told them that they must work out the teams and coordinate information gathering amongst one another, based off the many lectures I have given them. They are not to be seen, I have warned them of the dangers in being caught.

Still, if they can manage this without getting caught, then I think I may just be able to show them how to go about an actual assassination.

It is risky in the city, of course. But I am hoping that, as spring is arriving, and many of the Councilmer head to their homes in the country, an opportunity might present itself.

Especially since Mother has informed me that the evidence against me could not be substantiated. Therefore, they will be accepting me as a non-voting member for the next three months, a compromise to those opposing our family.

They will find out what comes from standing in our way. If they want to make up stories about what I do anyhow, why not put a little fear into those who might try and stop me.

Yes, I think Zethith's idea might just work. I will try not to interfere with anyone that is useful to Mother. Just those that stand in her way. Then she will have no reason to reprimand me.

Besides, I cannot have people continue to meddle in my life in such ways. I have enough keeping me from my freedom. I need some room to breathe. And if I can do enough, perhaps I can prove worthy of conducting my own life, once and for all.

Now, to finalize the plans with Tanur. I have already sent him the information that I have assured him I cannot disclose the finer details of, for fear of letting their identity be known. He is taking it very serious. But we have transportation arranged for my little deathweavers-to-be. I look forward to showing them around the city under the guise of another, a local guide. I have set up my room at the Flaming Nix so there is space for them. And I have paid ahead for meals. I will treat them like the special little spiders they are and make them see the greatness of reward for working hard and elevating themselves up the ladder.

I have also had clothing of fine make sent for so they will blend in more easily where they have need.

I cannot wait to meet them and see how well they do.

3rd of First Seed, Sundas

Everytime I have sat down to write, something has come up, so I shall endeavor to get out as much as I can as quickly as possible.

I fetching passed my examination. I better have for all that effort and suffering.

But was I able to enjoy it for even a moment?

Of fetching course not!

I had no sooner been given my result that I was summoned to the House Council. Apparently, someone had thought that I must have cheated.

There was a small contingent who, whether by their hatred of myself personally, or their vested interests in keeping someone who might side with Mother off the Council, claimed that my answers were too similar to that of another. What is more, the person for whom my answers were similar did not pass the examination, so they thought it was possible that I may have even given up on copying and managed to swap examination papers during the collection period somehow.

Oh there were allegations that I must have seduced the person into helping me, or that I had used forgery for the names on the papers.

The whole things was a load of guarshite and it should have been obvious to everyone.

There were interviews with those proctoring the examination. There were allegations of bribery.

Of course, in the end, those who had claimed I had bribed or seduced them were eventually found to have given false testimony in order to ingratiate themselves before a particular party, or had been bribed themselves.

So it was more of the usual politics. It turned out there had been Hlaalu involved in one of the claims, which surprises no one.

In the end, I was able to receive my credentials to participate, in good standing, within the Council, should I choose to. Mother, although she has been vexing me that past month, did give me a very handsome gift. I have been allotted additional land outside of Ebonheart. She has long maintained a villa there and so I have been given some additional lands that she has recently acquired there. I may maintain farmland or erect a villa of my own there. Given it's location next to a very active volcano, I think I shall likely keep it as farmland for now, allowing those tending it to build homes to their own design and need.

As such, I have offered Black-Silk-Earth the opportunity to look at the land. I feel as though she and those she had worked with in Davon's Watch are far better judges of what makes for good growing.

I have told her that if they are interested in working that land, I would be willing to allow them to either purchase the lands from me at the standard rate for the area, or to make use of the lands to their need, so long as they are willing to pay the taxes each term, I shall ask for no additional money.

I know that the taxes are not cheap for farming, but I also know that it is just outside of Ebonheart city proper and that they could easily sell the produce there without having to ship any of it. Though, there is a major port in the city, so they could also sell the product as export.

I am not seeking to make a profit off the lands here, I have no need. So if they can maintain the land and pay for it, I am happy to simply hold it in my name while they make use of it.

Of course, that puts them in a fairly precarious position and I am aware of that. Therefore, I have even agreed to a contract with them so that they are not able to be thrown off of the lands. Something that affords them the protection of being able to maintain a home and family there if they desire.

I have told them that we can even make an arrangement whereby they could pay for the lands slowly over time. We would set the price for the year in which the agreement begins, therefore they will not pay more, even if the land were to continue to grow in value. Likewise, should the lands suddenly become less valuable, I am willing to decrease the costs to that amount.

As I have attempted to make clear, I must give the facade of a business deal in order to keep Mother from interfering. But I have no problem with basically donating the property. In fact, if Mother passes away, though I do not wish to hurry that process, I will gift it regardless. I will be inheriting all her lands anyhow, so I will have the chateau next door. I do not need to expand that already grand estate, so why not let it belong to those who have greater need of the lands?

I have also made the decision to sponsor Black-Silk-Earth to join the House. She will have better prospects with the House attached to her title in her affairs going forward. She is taking the next few days to consider, speaking with her fellows about what will be most beneficial to them.

I have offered to pay for a solicitor if she would like to seek legal council in order to make this decision. As someone with a voice within the Council now, I should have an easy time to get her entrance. Additional produce can be shown to be donated to the Tribunal Temple. I can speak about how it improves our House image as one who fully embraces our Pact siblings. Not to mention, it could help our negotiations in Pact matters in Black Marsh, should we ask her to help in such matters going forward.

Yet I must wait for her answer.

Oh yes, the other thing which is taking my time, what little I have. Zethith has asked me to develop a way to start integrating my Nest into affairs of state. It has led me to seek new avenues of opportunities. I really should like to have someone trained by Luayl or another in House Intelligence. How to choose is the hardest part, of course. But before that, I need to be able to know how.

I think that I shall have to be direct and ask the Grandmaster Spy. I have heard that he is getting ready to retire and pass on title to another. It may be a good time to speak with him. If only I could get myself that title, that would solve so many of my problems. I could simply have received recommendations for my deathweavers from someone who should like to be nameless and then approve it.

The best way would be to rotate the training so that at least one or two are always at the Nest, just to be safe.

Of course, this is difficult. Perhaps I should reach out to Naryu and see if there are any retired Tong members that would be willing to have a job serving their former Prince in a new capacity.

That might cause a conflict of interest.

B'Cahn! I hear that Bretons coming up the stairs to milk me. I do feel like a cow. They come with that silver pan, bend me over and drain me of my supposedly poor seed, in order to make way for that which is good. Part of me thinks it is worse now that I have not gotten Tel swollen with child immediately. It has not even been a year! I do hope that the House determines that this is unnecessary soon. A waste of time and money.

16th of Sun's Dawn, Fredas

Well, I should have known that there would be a cost to my freedom. I have had even less time to myself, something I did not think was possible.

Now my few moments where I would have some time to study on my own, or see to my own affairs even, have been taken over. Mother has brought in a secretary of her choosing to respond to my letters, something I am very much displeased about. And my study times are all guided by someone, also of her choosing.

Morndas is the day, though. So presumably I will be free of this ridiculous contest of will that Mother seems to believe we are embroiled in. A contest only she is a part of.

I cannot wait to take this stupid test and be done with it.

Part of me wants to fail the exam on purpose just to keep Mother from thinking that she can do these things and that it is acceptable. But I also know my mother enough to know that if I failed she would only make the next attempt even worse. And who knows what other punishment she might determine I should suffer atop all of that.

Best to simply do my best to pass this examination and then be back to my life again quickly.

11th of Sun's Dawn, Sundas

Just when I thought I might have to give up, I was struck with a brilliant thought.

Honestly, I have Black-Silk-Earth to thank. She came by to deliver my most recent letters and I realized, I have an agreement with her about going to Davon's Watch at least once a month as part of her responsibilities to her business and me to my House duties. Surely, I presumed, this time keeper, despite directions from Mother, could not get in the way of my sworn House duties.

Sure enough, when I began preparing for my departure and my warden tutor inquired as to where I was headed, I could tell her that I was doing my monthly duties as the keeper of the family tomb and that I was, as part of my employment arrangement with my secretary, to bring her along.

Of course, my tutor insisted upon accompanying us. I had to inform her that, unfortunately, the scroll, as far as either of us were capable of, would only carry two.

She was very displeased by this, so I told her that she was more than welcome to make a request with the Temple for a voucher to use either with the Temple transportation network, or with the Mages Guild. In the meantime, however, in order to keep up with my own studies, I could wait no longer, and would need to be off at once.

This was, perhaps, a bit cruel. The poor mer was scrambling about to try and get her things together and I simply met Black-Silk-Earth at our usual departure point and headed off at once. I did not even wait to see what stage my tutor may have been at, nor did I do much of anything else.

I checked in with Wanam-Mush and went to the crypt right away, allowing Black-Silk-Earth to take care of her own business. With the ancestors all taken care of, I then slipped off to the Fish Stink to see if Tanur was there. Which he was.

He was very pleased to see me and I was able to find out that he had a usual supplier who had found a Shard of Aetherius. I was, obviously, very excited. I asked what the seller wanted for it. Tanur looked nervous as he told me a price that was, likely, far too much for what it was.

I inquired about the size and found out it was actually rather large, apparently it was described as being the size of a child in height. That was not the best description, but I told Tanur that I would be able to fund that price, but thought it might be a good opportunity for certain members of the Nest to try and get the shard for either, a very low price, an exchange of something other than money, or for free. Tanur seemed unsure, worried that if multiple people were looking at the shard, that the price might actually go up.

I told him that was also fine, but that I wished to see if any of the Nest were able to get it before the set time of the purchase with Tanur. That he should announce this to the Nest two days after he gave the supplier the go ahead on the price. Then let the Spiderlings do what they would.

We had a few drinks, went to his place to reward him for his hard work, and then headed to the Nest where I began lectures. We enjoyed all the usual festivities and I had my meeting with Zethith.

Zethith applauded my continuing to challenge my spiderlings, but did suggest that I push them harder. Especially my potential death weavers. Zethith thinks I need to give more time to training them.

It is true, but I do not know how to get the time for it just yet. If only I had someone already trained who could work with them on my behalf. I would have to trust that they would follow my explicit instructions and teach to my standards. I will have to train someone myself and they will need to be particularly good.

I made it back to the manor just this morning, the tutor having not followed at all for those two days and it meant I finally could relax. Sure, I had to get back to the horrible reality of studying life, but at least I was able to do my part for my Prince and my Nest. And I feel much rejuvenated.

Ah well, the exam approaches and soon enough this will all be done with.

9th of Sun's Dawn, Fredas

Mother must truly be upset with me.

First, she forced the Council to rearrange all of my usual schedule so that I could make time for even more tutoring for the Councilmer test.

Then she takes Avon and Sildras and signs them up for a spiritual pilgrimage, not optional, that takes them away for a month, knowing that my name day was the day after they would leave.

And then she hires an extra staff just to make sure that I am able to do my best with studying for the exam, who, much like the Bretons who manage my life to ensure I am to create the most potent seed, are there to ensure that I am eating the proper foods at the proper time, consuming the correct beverages in the correct proportions through the day, and getting rest and studying at specific intervals. There is no second of my day that has not been examined and calculated by this mer.

The worst part of it all, and I know Mother is diabolical enough to have done it on purpose, this mer is completely deaf. Therefore, I cannot get out of any of it with my birthgift of voice.

I think any one of these factors would seem scheming or hurtful on its own, but to do so on the month of my nameday?

Even more cruel, she forbade me have any celebration, as it would dampen my ability to focus on the examination. So I was left with no friends or family to celebrate with and no mark that another year had past, other than the knowledge in my own mind.

Luckily for me, I have Farayn, who was able to slip into the cellar and get me some good quality brandy. It was my name day! Do I not deserve a treat?

I have no idea how I am going to be able to slip away to the Nest tonight with all these watching eyes. It is nearly as bad as when Urtisa was plotting my death.

If it was not so wholly unpleasant and would not let my secret slip, I would consider death to slip away. What would Mother have to say then? Ha!

No. I could never hurt her in that way. For all she has done for me, I think, deep down, she does believe she is doing what will be best for me. And for this family.

She is wildly mistaken, of course. But she is doing what she believes to be best.

I just feel sad. And empty.

I know part of it is that longing to be filled, that emptiness where the soul belongs and yet I am devoid of it. Still, I feel so dreadfully and piteously forsaken.

Every year I treat myself to an evening of music, revelry, and an almost Sanguinistic level of debauchery. Not that I am not remaining devout in my Mephalan ways, merely that I indulge them as any of Sanguine's followers partake of their delights.

Truth be told, I have enjoyed the company of a follower of Sanguine one year on my nameday. One of the few people I have ever met with an appetite for carnal pleasure that could match my own. Alas, her indulgence in alcohol, which was far greater than my own, meant that eventually she succumbed to slumber. To be honest, I was rather close to it myself, but given our respective Princes, I could hardly let her beat me in such a contest. She claimed the title of master of the vine and I took that of the sheets. It was a shame that her wife was so angry at us when we were found in the loft the next morning. I had offered to make my amends, but alas, unlike my bedfellow, the wife was only interested in women. And so I took my leave with naught but a memory of that pleasant night, and a very sore head.

Not this year though. I cannot recall a year I have spent my nameday in quiet sobriety. The sad pleasure that the Breton brought me as a way to purge the production of inferior seed hardly compared to even my usual daily offerings to my Prince.

All I can hope, is that I can find a way to get to the Nest. My nameday was pathetic enough.

1st of Sun's Dawn, Turdas

It has been a busy few days.

So many tutors to try and prepare me for my examination. Hours and hours of lecture and of reading.

There was much that was vaguely familiar to me. It is incredible how quickly one forgets all the knowledge unused. Yet it was able to come back more easily than if I were learning it for the very first time.

Of course, I also had my duties for creating an heir and my obligations to provide for Tel. I admit, I was not as considerate as I have been, given Mother's desires.

Then again, I do not know how much she actually cares for my producing an heir or not. It is less of a priority for her at any rate.

The time I did get with Tel was a welcome relief from the stress of tutoring. Sildras, surprisingly enough, was very interested in the test and its information. So I, with Avon's encouragement, spent time trying to teach some of the content to Sildras.

I swear that boy is like a little sponge when it comes to knowledge. He never seems saturated. Though he did get a bit snippy with Avon at one point and we had to have a conversation about respect.

It is certainly unusual behavior from him. Usually he is so calm and respectful, but he raised his voice when Avon was asking him to get ready for bed after we had completed a family game, and said a few very rude remarks that I will not put down, if only so that I may forget that he spoke them.

We had Plays-With-Fire over for dinner one evening, it has become a habit to have him over when Tel is staying with us, if only so that we have more adult conversations available for Avon. It has been hitting him far harder that Sildras is experiencing that rebellious nature we Indoril always seem to go through around that age.

I do wonder if Sildras has too much of a head about him when it comes to his state of privilege. I would reach out to Mother, but I fear what she might tell me as parenting advice. I know how poorly I took her attempts at that age.

The Bretons in charge of keeping Tel and I to our heir producing duties did manage to redeem themselves their usual annoyance of late. For whenever I am in some grueling lecture about a topic of tedium, if it is one of the auspicious times for Tel and I to consummate our agreement, the Bretons come barging in and ushering me out, regardless of the decry of the tutors or their level of indignation.

And so they save me the boredom of the moment, to instead provide me a far more enjoyable activity. An activity that is no less important for my House duties. It is a relief on all accounts.

It is a shame that Tel could not stay for my name day, but such is a life of duty. I feel a bit like the dutiful spouse in those Imperial tragedies, longing for the return of their beloved and missing their company, all alone on some cliff side or another.

Then again, I am hardly likely to die heartbreak.

Being away from the cliffs does help with that. As does not being in love with Tel.

Gods, could you imagine what a disaster that might be?

The best thing about us, is how compatible we are together in bed. Hardly the only quality, but surely it is the forerunner.

Still, their religious fervor and trust placed within Vivec, a betrayer of his word and principles, angers me.

But enough of that. Tel is leaving shortly and there is not time to speculate upon the matter.

26th of Morning Star, Fredas

Everything went very smoothly with the Kagesh, which is to be expected.

It turns out that there was a particularly rowdy post hunt celebration that the Temple mistook for warmongering amongst the tribe. When the Temple tried to confront them, they felt like the Temple was trying to instigate something and threats were made on both sides.

As soon as I figured out what the incident was that had set the trouble between them, it was easy enough to take the time to make amends.

Admittedly, it did take me the better part of the week to do, but I managed it, as I knew that I would.

I stayed in Ziddak's yurt, as I knew that I would. He was a little cross with me for being gone for so long. Orilu has grown and is in a somewhat difficult age just before becoming an adult where she is particularly argumentative and opinionated. Ziddak thought I should have come back sooner to check in on them. I explained why I could not have, but he had little patience for excuses, likely because he was so tired. One would have thought I had actually married him.

So I cleaned his yurt and did the cooking and mending his clothing and took Orilu out and spoke with her. She treated me like a mother who had abandoned her.

I understand that my role has always been that of a sort of female partner to him when I stay, that is the agreement that we made. I take up the duties of the wife he does not have and in exchange, he provides me what I need. But I am still a man of my own home and I cannot divide myself even more than I already have done.

Truly, given that Orilu has been of this opinion about me before, I wonder if Ziddak has picked up on that from her and used it as an excuse until he started to believe it.

Regardless, I explained to Orilu that when one is split in life between two worlds, you must learn how to walk in both and between them. If you do not, you end up being stuck in one far longer than the other. That was what happened to me. Circumstances kept me chained to the House far longer than I should like. They sent Mother her instead of me.

She seemed to feel as though she did not know me. I told her that was because so much time goes between seeing her. That although I will fill in for her mother, I am not her mother. I would not be a good one, if I were to take up that charge. I was a mer who was caught between worlds, between planes at times. That I had gone through things that most mortals dare not dream of, in order to keep that which was important to me safe. Yet the cost was that it kept me away from that which I sought to protect and left parts of me behind. It is the price one must pay to walk this path.

Understandable, Orilu said she did not understand what I was saying.

I offered to her the chance to come and visit my home in Mournhold sometime. She could come on her own, or she could bring her father with her. But I would show her just some of the other side of what I dealt with. I would care for her, and her father if he joined us. I would see to it that they did not worry about food or clothing, nor anything else. I would provide for everything.

She was suspicious of this. I assured her that, if the Farseer and Ashkhan approved of this, and her father as well, that I would gladly allow her a glimpse into the way House mer live. To see all the beautiful, easy luxury of a people who do not know how it is to live so connected to the land, but also to see the rotten innards of such a beast. Beautiful on the outside, yet repulsive within. Yet to know that by choosing one, you are giving up the good of the other. You always miss the one you are not within.

I gave Orilu one of my hair pins and told her to keep it in memory of our talk. That my offer should never go away.

She asked if it would still stand if I was ancient and close to death.

I laughed, more because of the impossibility of such a scene than anything, but I told her that yes, I would welcome her if it were next week, or a centuries in the future.

Orilu said she would think about it.

I do not know how else to help this poor girl. I did not realize that she and Ziddak would have taken my departure so hard. It makes me wonder what else has gone on while I have been away.

At least once I had my talk with Orilu, she seemed to calm down enough to get to her studies with the wise women and to go to gather herbs.

That was when Ziddak bid me to consummate the marriage we did not possess. I was hardly one to say no. In the years I have known him, it was always our agreement that part of what I provided to him was physical comfort, so I was not about to change that now.

At first his was rougher than usual, clearly still working through his anger, but it took little time for him to slip back into his usual self, before he changed to being gentle and needy in all the most maddening ways.

Still, it was nice to be needed. To know someone cared about my not being there. Someone wanted what I had to give.

It was not without a bit of guilt that I bid them farewell, summoned back by an urgent missive from Mother.

And what, you might ask, was this matter that asked me to return immediately?

Why, Mother had decided that it was my duty to take my Councilor certification exam.

Few outside of the Houses are aware of the process, but in order to be a sitting member of a House Council, you must take and pass a certification examination. It is something that I had passed before. Back when I was forced into retirement, but before I fled, I had a seat on the House Council.

I hated every moment of it.

For, just because you are a sitting member, does not mean that you are a voting member. No. That is reserved for only a selection of those who are sitting members, those who were voted for and agreed upon by the rest of the House Council and the Grandmaster.

Yet voting privileges remain, in a sense. Those who are non-voting seated House members are able to argue points for those things they wish to see come out of the Council meetings. Further, there is a single vote given to the collective opinion of the non-voting seated House members. It is a way to try and balance out votes in case there is an attempt to bar new members from gaining voting privileges based upon power dynamics.

Still, the last thing that I desire is to have to sit in on Council meetings. As a non-voting member, I do have the option to attend or not, but why waste the time and the considerable examination fee upon such a thing?

Well, in this case, it is because Mother desires it. She also already saw to it that I was registered and my coffers lightened that much in order to secure my spot.

I am very much looking forward to Tel's visit on Morndas. Anything to take my mind off of the stress of this exam.

19th of Morning Star, Fredas

I have managed to get through another week.

No word yet from the Nest about any shards. I just feel like I am adrift. I have the hardest time concentrating.

My letters west are taking longer than I should like. Snows always slow the post this time of year. I know the dried herbs I sent to Fennorian should be fine, so long as they do not get wet. I sent them, as usual, in oil skins, but it only takes one clumsy courier to spoil the delivery.

Next week the House is having me travel to visit the Velothi camp near Iliath Temple. Long it has been since I was sent to check in with them. I think it is because our House Council is reporting to the Grand Council soon about the war effort and every Councilmer is too busy to see to any secondary responsibilities.

Mother has a good relationship with Farseer Tirinaat. Not that she is not welcome by the Kagesh, they are rather fond of her. There has been a lot of tension between them and the Temple that stands on the edge of their hunting grounds and Mother has been able to negotiate much for them.

I am very much indebted to them for all their aid over the decades. Have I written about this? I feel as though I must have. I introduced Sildras to Ziddak's girl, Orilu. I must have written of them.

Anyhow, there has been some talk of the Temple that the Kagesh are being aggressive again, usually happens when they are threatened or asked to move their camp further away. Almost always it is some minor misunderstanding and easy enough to rectify.

My job is simple, to broker yet another peace between the tribe and Temple. Of course, I am sure that the Kagesh are, as usual, being made to look barbaric and hot headed. It is, unfortunately, all too often the case.

It will be nice to see how big Orilu has grown. She must be getting ready to start on her journey into adulthood soon. The wise women are surely beginning her final years of education before the coming of age ceremony.

I wonder if I should talk with Mother about having Sildras go on one himself. I know I completed one myself and it truly does give you the confidence needed to enter into being an adult.

As soon as the Grand Council has concluded and Mother has settled down from all the activity that follows, I shall speak with her about it.

Now, to make sure that everything is in place for Tel's visit before I leave for Stonefalls. I cannot be seen neglectful of my duties my... what can I say that is not offensive to Tel's person? It is not a mistresshood, for Tel is not being a mistress, nor are they a woman. Yet any other descriptor continues to feel cold and disrespectful. But as a host of this relationship and foray into heir surrogacy, I shall not be neglectful.

I know Sildras has made another painting and had it hung in Tel's room, right besides the one that he and Tel painted together upon Tel's last visit. But I need to ensure that the winter linens are put on this time. The chill that has come down from the currents off the Velothi Mountains brought a light blanket of snow again. I swear it gets colder and colder in Morrowind every winter. I am not complaining, it gives me fond memories of Skyrim. But I also know that Tel is less used to that than I. And while I am more than happy to warm his bed each night, that does not mean that I should not provide for comfort.

And now, to finish my glass of wine as the embers of the fire die down and then go and collect Avon for bed. He has been so much more exhausted of late and I want to show my gratitude.