Call me Jack

Girl you need to get out of bed faster than this

I'm giving it all she's got boss

THIS PICTURE JUST MADE MY LIFE.

I found the greatest reaction set:

@cousin-possum-kc you get back here and share with the class

@a-manicured-lawn I hate this so you will like it

biologist here! why are plants green? well they suck up air from the sky (blue) and mix it with the sunlight (yellow) i fucking love science.

Every time I see this post I fly into an incandescent rage because it’s VERY ALMOST TRUE and it FUCKING SHOULDN’T BE and I HATE the way op explains it

Okay so, got here from a book on animal behavior but: Vulcan stand-up comedy as a competitive activity.

Because most Vulcans don't actually pretend they don't have emotions, it's all about self-regulation, right? And good comedy usually hinges on manipulating the relationship between our faculties of recognition and surprise in various ways, you can get pretty scientific with it.

So Vulcans go to the comedy act, and the idea is the comedian is trying to make you crack up, and the audience is trying to not even crack a smile, and if you do laugh, you lose. Like all in good fun, but Vulcans are both really competitive and really aware of how dangerous that urge can be to a society, so this could actually be classified as highly orthodox Surakian practice.

So of course the comedian has to actually be funny, or there's no challenge and the game is boring.

Which means the really good Vulcan comedians (most of whom tend to extremely dry delivery of their bits) are going to go around playing to packed houses, which mostly sit staring stonily back at them, with occasional breaks when someone loses it and reacts.

And after a show you'll have Vulcans walking out discussing with great approval how very humorous that was, with varying degrees of muted smugness or chagrin depending on if they won or lost.

I bet there are human comedians whose grandest fantasy is being good enough to do a set in Vulcana Regatta and have people going around bragging about not laughing at them.

"My agent was very concerned, wanted to make sure that I knew that no one was going to be laughing at my jokes."

"'Yes, I know' I said. 'I'm used to that.'"

I'm absolutely delighted that this is the tweet of mine that's finally made the crossover

Just saw a post about dolls and how kids play with them, and I remembered that my grandpa, who had real bad alzhiemer's, would buy me and my sisters the same dolls from the dollar store every Friday. It had became a routine for him, and he forgot that he'd already gotten us those toys

So that led to us having a shitton of super cheap barbie knock offs, and my parents could only sneakily return so many

We also had a shitty row boat, because my dad has really bad adhd and no impulse control. He also had no idea how to keep a boat, which meant it immediately filled up nearly to the brim with rain water as it sat next to our driveway for seasons unused

So what's a kid to do with dozens of unwanted barbies and what is basically an above ground pond at this point? I'll tell you

What you do is take those dolls and stick them in the boat very carefully. Then you watch as the seasons change, the temperature gets colder, and the water in the boat freezes as winter takes hold.

You never really forget bringing your mom out to the boat in the dead of winter to show off the homemade river Styx her children have crafted in the backyard, a dozen cheaply made plastic monstrosities carefully positioned to reach up to the surface in a frozen agony

Those dolls stayed in their frozen hell until we finally found someone who would buy the boat, like two years later.

Unfortunately, I cannot remember what the guy's reaction was when he actually came to see it and witnessed the art installation inside

This post went in a direction. I’m glad it did.

My top surgeon said since I'm so crazy betitted, my scar is likely going to be in one piece across my whole chest, so I'm going to talk to him about getting my scar done in a sort of V shape, almost like I've been autopsied, but from under my armpit. No idea if it's possible, but it would be really funny. And yes I'm being serious. This isn't a bit. If I'm not gonna have nipples, I might as well go full silly.

"Transgender? This is from when the aliens took me. I'm an LGBabducTee."

Transmeds in my inbox already saying I don't deserve life-saving surgery because I'm "not taking it seriously".

I'm so serious about autopsy tits it's unreal. Dead serious.

Also, it's literally possible because someone sort of has it (they're Saint_Argentum on TikTok; someone just sent screenshots) and it looks amazing. It would just connect in the middle.

Whatever killed you also blew them clean off

Pizza VS Flower with bee on it VS Bisexuality VS Wind turbine

For anyone who doesn't want to watch the video, he used a list of things from Wikidata, pared it down to about 8000 things that most people would have heard of, and made a website where people voted for the best option in randomly selected pairs of things.

Pizza was voted the 9th best thing, making it the best food. Bees weren't in the top 10 best things, but they won 77% of matchups to be selected as the best creature, followed by emperor penguins and hedgehogs. Bisexuality didn't place in the top 10 either, but it won 73% of matchups compared to heterosexuality winning only 45%. (Orgasms were the highest ranked sexual thing, and were miraculously ranked at number 69.) I think the windmill is supposed to stand for electricity, which was the second place winner. And the winner of "best thing" was sleep.

... honestly, I would agree with that list more or less.

visual gag where someone is thrown against a stained glass window and lands in the exact same pose as the holy figure depicted on it

really recommend getting a partner with a different religion than you and very little knowledge of your religion because the opportunities for explaining things to each other are just exquisite

yesterday she told me some story about the Buddha's wife and child and I was like. Wait. He fucked? And she was like yeah of course he fucked, why wouldn't he, he was the most attractive and loveable and and wise and etc. person who ever lived. why would he not fuck.

this morning she looked perplexed in the kitchen at me and said "did Jesus not fuck?"

genuinely the funniest thing ive seen on reddit

i will chew through the fucking gag

I will develop spontanious stephen king-like telekinesis to stop this.

laga dyga is an evil hag and she is going to Get you

It took me way too long to figure out what it's trying to say. I was just willing to accept "laga dyga" at face value.

Can't read my, can't read my pofa kerce

effervescent

Pondering the snorb

This is what posting your artwork after a mutual posts a big life update feels like