Hi Enderal Ruined My Life

Good question!

I think there’s definitely a fear of not being good enough. Micah dealt with pressure of preserving a specific image while their father was still alive, and they have that fear entangled in their survivor’s guilt. If they were better, if they were stronger and more mature, then these things wouldn’t have happened. This is still a problem when they become the Prophet, as the survivor’s guilt intensifies, and bigger obligations and responsibilities are thrust upon their shoulders. (Hence Micah inheriting a Hero/Martyr-complex as they feel they need to prove something for “selfishly existing.”)

Another would be them never achieving their goal of adventuring throughout Vyn. This was already a goal they had as a child, but landing on Enderal further enforced this desire of seeing all there is in the world. It’s a type of freedom they never had. I guess you could dig deeper in this and say Micah has a fear of being caged, never to have their own agency and choice, only given the illusion of it and nothing more. This is something I’d like to write about when they find out the truth at the end. :3c

The last major one I can think of that isn’t triggers from their abuse with their father is being utterly alone. They usually stuck to someone’s side (their brother and mother, Sirius), though as the Prophet they realize how dangerous it is to have someone by their side, not to mention they already have this idea stuck in their head that they’re going to be the cause of death for the people they love and care about. Still, call them selfish for wanting to have someone there to know they actually existed and mattered.

I will preface this with the fact that Micah is romantically inept: they hadn’t really developed romantic (or sexual) feelings for anyone before. Thus, they really didn’t realize that what they felt for Tharaêl was romantic. They thought it was platonic for a while until they examined their thoughts, and it finally registered that daydreaming about settling down with him and kissing him wasn’t what friends did.

They theorized it had to be infatuation or something, but around the first part of Black Light, after getting all the Black Stones, they almost fell apart with all the traumatic experiences they kept having. Tharaêl had to sit them down and do what he could for them, as they had done for him when he was at his lowest point.

Micah felt... At home with him, that this moment was something they would keep fighting for, that they had stood by each other since the ordeal with the Rhalâta even when the odds were against them. They had each other to rely on whenever it got to be too much, and Micah wouldn’t trade that for the world. They would keep playing this role of the Prophet, if just for Tharaêl’s growth, happiness, and safety. They would put the fate of the world on their shoulders, with a smile on their face, if it meant he was able to live his life to the fullest.

And that was the moment they knew they were in love with Tharaêl.