The Hacker - Part 14
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After the conversation with Steve, you're confused. You don't understand what Bucky wants and you're getting annoyed.
You're sitting with Natasha in her room ranting to her about the situation.
"I don't understand, Nat! I could've sworn he was flirting back but the next thing I know he's being cold to me. I can't do this anymore.... yes, I know I admitted I loved him, and I do, but I can't keep waiting for him to decide what he wants, I'm not a placeholder. We're not teenagers for fuck's sake, can a grown man not know what he wants and go for it?!"
Nat sighs and gives you a reassuring look "listen, I know you're frustrated but I think he really does feel the same... he just doesn't know how to express his feelings very well....."
"Steve said the same thing but I can't wait around for him. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells around him. I miss the times when we would just talk for hours and bicker back and forth during our missions.... I think I ruined it by admitting my feelings to him..."
"I just - I can't go on like this... I've dealt with enough uncertainty in my life. For the first time, I actually feel stable, comfortable, safe.... I don't want to ruin this because of my feelings.... especially if he can't express his properly... I'm not going to wait around for him to finally decide one day that he truly does want me. My whole life I've always been the last choice and I don't want that anymore, I want to be chosen first without hesitation. I want that security. I can't live in the unknown anymore..."
As you're ranting to Natasha you don't realise that Steve and Bucky were in Steve's room, besides Nats, and with their super hearing, they heard everything.
Steve looks at Bucky pointedly.
"If you don't grow a pair soon and man up, I will punch you before she does." Steve says angrily.
"I know Buck... I do, but I think it's time you move on from that and let yourself live life. Hydra may have taken your arm but they could never take your heart. It's time you start writing your own story, rather than letting your past prevent you from moving forward." Steve pats Bucky's shoulder as he walks out of his room.
Just as Bucky is about to leave Steve's room he overhears Nat's and Cyber's conversation again.
"I don't know Nat.... maybe I'm moving too fast.. after everything I had to do to survive with Pierce and my parents.... maybe I don't know what love even is... I've never had a real example to follow of love... am I being foolish?"
"No, you're not, Cyber. Your feelings are valid. There's no such thing as a timeline for love. You may not have had an example of true love to follow but you need to follow your heart. Your heart and your gut know what you want. You're stronger than you think, you don't give yourself enough credit. You don't need a man in your life. You've proven that time and time again, but you're choosing to want Bucky in your life and he'll come to that realization soon enough."
"You're right... but I'm not waiting around for him. I want him to tell me how he truly feels. Even if he doesn't feel the same. I just want the truth."
"Fair enough... only time will tell..." Natasha says with a wink.
The girls get up and start heading to the kitchen.
Bucky stands still in Steve's room.
Shit... Steve is right... if I don't figure this out soon I'll lose her... Nat is right too.. she doesn't need me, she wants to have me in her life.
Bucky sighs in frustration and heads to his own room.
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Later that day, Steve calls the team together for a debreif on a new mission.
As everybody files into the conference room, it doesn't go unnoticed that everyone grabs a seat before you and Bucky can even get into the room, leaving two chairs side-by-side.
You look at Natasha who is smirking while Steve is avoiding Bucky's gaze.
You walk in and plop in the chair, not even glancing at Bucky.
He sighs and looks defeated while Steve just gives him a knowing shrug that says "I told you so..."
"Alright, so new mission. This one involves everyone. We need to infiltrate a Hydra base... the catch is that it's currently active. So, it will be heavily guarded. That's where Cyber comes in mainly." Steve turns to you.
"You're going to have to come with us on the quinjet because Hydra's security is extremely high tech and they have created some sort of technological wall around their base, which prevents any type of outside infiltration. This needs to be done at very close range."
"Okay, sounds good. Nothing I can't handle." you reply.
"One other thing.... since you're the team member with the least field training and self defense training, you're going to have to be paired with somebody to watch your back." Steve continues. He starts shifting a bit uneasily as you stare at him in confusion.
"Okay, fine. I guess I could use the company."
"Perfect, so you and Bucky will stay on the quinjet. Next up is Sam, you'll be -"
Your eyes snap up towards him and widen in shock. Your heart is racing. Steve ignores you and keeps debriefing.
Did he just say Bucky? I specifically asked him not to pair me with him, what the hell?
Somebody kicks your leg under the table and look up to see Natasha smirking at you with a knowing look.
Are Nat and Steve seriously conspiring against me right now? God damn it...
You see Bucky shifting in his seat from the corner of your eyes and you feel him staring at you. You turn towards Steve and pretend to listen to him.
The entire time your mind is swirling with thoughts.
Isn't this going to be awkward? Oh my god, how am I going to focus on the mission with him next to me... he obviously knows my feelings for him... what if I stare at him too long and make him uncomfortable? It's not my fault he's so hot... that stupid arm... and his hair... ugh, this is gonna be impossible. Okay, just push your feelings down. Put your walls up, focus and don't make this weird.
Steve wraps up the meeting and you bolt up out of your seat to get out as fast as possible when Steve calls your name.
You stop in your tracks and turn around to Steve and Bucky waiting for you.
"Hi... what's up?" your heart is racing, you can't get yourself to look at him so you stare right at Steve.
"Are you sure you're okay with being on the field? We need you but if you're not fully ready we'll work around it... I would rather you be ready and focused than fidgety and scared." Steve says to you.
You see Bucky shifting in your peripheral vision.
"Yeah totally. I'm good to go, not a problem." You force a smile.
Steve sighs and gives you that look.
"Is that it? or can i go?" you ask impatiently.
"Yeah, that's it...." Steve says. You see him nudge Bucky's arm as you turn around and walk away.
"Hey, Cyber, wait...." You hear Bucky call after you.
Fuck... just breathe and be neutral. No emotions, wall up.
"Yes, James?" you reply with a thin smile.
You see Bucky's eyes flash with hurt when you call him James.
"Um, listen, about the mission, I don't -" Bucky starts but you interrupt him.
"No, all good man. We're team mates, we'll work together on this. I'll do my thing on the computer and you just stand guard. Good?"
Bucky sighs "Yeah, I guess."
Why did I say that? 'We're all good man?', what am I a frat boy? Oh my god I think I just made it worse..... what is wrong with me.
Bucky watches you walk away as Steve approaches him.
"What happened? I thought you were going to talk to her and settle this. I planned this whole thing and you let her walk away?" Steve asks incredulously.
"I tried Steve, she wouldn't even let me talk. She just interrupted me and walked away... I really messed up didn't I?" Bucky says defeated.
"You'll have time to sort this out on the mission. We leave soon and you'll be alone together for a while. Just be honest with her." Steve says as he pats him on the back and walks to his office.
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The quinjet lands near the Hydra base and the rest of the team gets up to leave. You and Bucky stay behind as you set up your computers.
You bid them goodbye as the doors close and you're left alone together.
You're mindlessly typing away on your computer, just to be distracted. It's so silent all you can hear is the clacking noises of your keyboard.
You hear Bucky approach you slowly and your heart rate picks up. You're looking straight at your computer screen.
Bucky grabs a seat next to you and you both sit in silence.
You don't know what to do, and your natural reaction to awkward silences is to laugh so you start giggling to yourself while staring at your computer.
Bucky looks at you questioningly "What's so funny?"
"Um no nothing, it's just so quiet....I'm used to it always being loud and busy around you guys"
Bucky chuckles, "Yeah, that's fair... especially Sam whenever I beat him at poker."
You laugh at the memory of Sam stomping around and claiming Bucky is cheating as he takes all of his poker chips from his stack.
"I miss hearing your laugh..." Bucky says quietly.
You freeze when he says that and your heart rate picks up again. Your throat feels dry as you swallow and shift in your seat.
"Listen, it's okay really, you don't have to say anything, we can just pretend it never happened -" You start rambling until Bucky cuts you off
"Stop, just listen to me, please?" Bucky says, holding your hands.
You stop rambling and look up at him.
"You never gave me a chance to reply. I'm sorry I didn't run after you, I was shocked and scared. I was shocked because I didn't think you could ever feel the same way as I did. I was scared because I haven't felt like this towards anyone in years. I know I was wrong and stupid. I liked you the second I met you and your fiery attitude. I fell for you when I saw you survive and fight for your life. You're unbelievably strong and courageous. I feel so seen and heard when I'm with you. I know what I want, and I want you. I love you, Cyber."
You stare at him in shock.
Bucky presses his lips to yours, softly. You slowly kiss him back once you realised what's happening.
You pull away from eachother, smiling.
"I know you don't need a man in your life, but I'm asking you if you would be willing to let me be yours. Only, if you never call me James again." Bucky says to you.
You smile as you reply "Yes, Bucky"
He pulls you closer into a deep kiss.
Suddenly the doors to the quinjet fly open and you jump away from each other.
"I KNEW IT WOULD WORK! HA! I WIN!" Sam yells to the others outside.
Bucky groans and rolls his eyes, and you giggle.
You see Natasha walk in with a knowing smirk followed by Steve wearing that stupid 'I told you so' look.
"wait... what about the mission? what are you doing here?" you question.
"Oh there was no mission, we just needed a plan to get you two talking... we're literally in the middle of nowhere. Once a good 10 minutes passed by, i figured it was long enough for you to make up.... or make out I should say....and I decided to walk back in." Sam explains.
"I can't believe you guys." Bucky says, shaking his head.
"well it worked didn't it?" Natasha points back at him.
"Okay okay enough bickering. Let's get back to the compound before Tony notices we left without him." Steve says.
Everyone buckles in while you and Bucky sit next to each other. As the jet takes off, you feel his hand ghosting over yours and slowly grab onto it. You squeeze his hand in reassurance, as you smile back to each other.
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