IT TAKES TIME.

I thought I already have my life figured out. when I was in Junior High School, I was so determined to be a nutrition student at my dream university, to graduate, and to be a manager at some food chain abroad. My plan in life was to get rich, to have a booming career, and to enjoy my life in luxury. But, I was quite a dreamer in Senior High School; I dreamt of being a movie director because we made a short film that became viral at our campus and that we have a thousand views on Facebook. I also never felt tired in the process of directing, shooting, and video editing even though we did not get an ample amount of sleep. Now that I am in college, it was rough. I was confused if I want to pursue nutrition now that I am in this degree program because it was hard; it felt like it was not for me. I failed my subjects, never felt I excelled, and that I am tired of it all. Org life is also a rocky road. I am not a social butterfly; it is really hard for me to socialize, to keep everyone in an uplifted mood, and to just communicate. Being with people made me anxious because I do not know if I can trust them or just let them know how I feel. I always felt like a burden. But, I know that you are not too much to people who care for you. I realized that when I got a call and had a conversation with a friend I drifted away from years back.

This pandemic tested my relationship with my family and it was not all flowery but I know now that we are okay. My mom and I sat down and talked about our future. When the time comes that I already graduated and can live my life on my own, they are going to live in Pangasinan (my papa’s hometown), and they are going to spend their lives managing the land and farming. However, I do not know what to do with my life as I know to myself that what I wanted when I was a teenager is not what I want now; having a simple life and peace of mind.

My end goal now is to live in Baguio with my friend; just paying half of the monthly rent with my hard-earned money from online work that does not even have any connection with my degree but enough money to enjoy the good food there, going to night markets, and Ukay-Ukay. I am going to take care of myself; working out, deleting my Twitter account, enjoying the scenery, making my friend and myself some breakfast, and having good coffee in the morning together. I want to forget the people I know and just start a new calming life there; just having mediocre problems at work, what to eat, and just having a hard time familiarizing my new place.

I am having really nice mornings lately. 

Preparing simple breakfast is a calming way to start your day. I was never into toasts but now, I guess I am starting to love breads. I’ve been eating this for a week now (except for the beans) and it really makes me feel motivated at some point and in peace. One of my morning routines is to put my golden pothos on the windowsill and listening to some good ass music by keshi or 92914. I got this as a trimming from the mother plant and it only has 3 leaves so it actually keeps me excited to wake up everyday just to see another to sprout. I love how quiet my mornings are. It really makes me happy. Maybe that’s also the reason why I’ve become a morning person. I’m also taking my medications that I’ve never heard before, too. What I love doing this quarantine is to sell stuff online; it keeps me busy and distracted. I also have let go some of my major stressors, leaving them behind for my own peace of mind and healing. Mornings are now better than the evenings and I feel alive the most during the day.  

I should be doing my acads and council works but my mind doesn’t have the nerve to think about being productive lately so I guess the reason why I’m trying to write this is because it may boost me into doing the things I should be doing today instead of writing this one, eh? Maybe, the reason why I can’t be productive is because I lost all the energy because almost all of the people I’ve worked so far is pain in the ass, or maybe, I’m the the one who I’m referring to, who knows?

Just a quick rant: People seem to be very emotional over validation and authority even if it is somehow, out of place. There are times that they don’t care if the things get done, all they want to reiterate is who and what they are. Maybe, that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like people and I love to be alone. Everything seems to be very suffocating and triggering, that’s why I can’t control myself and my anger to just shout at their faces. I know I’m not like this before but people in the university are bs. 

Anyways, I went home yesterday because I don’t have money anymore. My parents weren’t there. It’s already been a month since I entered our house. There are a lot of food inside the refrigerator and that’s the first time I ate real food. I made a fruit salad and stayed there until the moon comes along. Saw my cat outside and I fed her and went home. 

I love my org but I guess I’m starting to love them more now especially that I have a happy crush with one of the members. They’re a quick escape to the bs I’ve been through. I’m also starting to enjoy the subjects of Nutrition even though I’m not really inclined with it in the first place. Also, I’ve been invited by 2 sororities now. I always think about it though; do I really need it? 

Pride 2019 is my first ever pride. I’m not really open about this but I’m actually bisexual. I only say that I am one when someone asks about my sexual orientation. Maybe, I can tell the world in the right time, when everything is right.

The main reason that I was there because I need to cover the event for our council. I should be traveling with my council mates going to Marikina but sadly, our chairperson gave me a short notice that he can’t go with me since he’s already at their home, ugh. Fortunately, Anakbayan-UPLB let me go with them. Kyle, the vice chair, guide us as we go to the Marikina Complex. We arrived at 2 pm then we ate at Bonchon but when we went back, the parade was already over so we decided to focus on entering the complex since there are a lot of people. While we were in the queue, we were chanting and I’m actually glad that there are a lot of people were pacing with us through it. It took hours but everything was worth the wait. It was peaceful and full of love even though there are 70,000+ people inside. The police can’t enter the arena and can’t interfere with the program. It’s the first time I felt free in a crowded area. 

Let’s all remember that Pride is all about protest. It’s not just about intimacy with your significant other. It is a call for our rights and equality; that there is nothing wrong with us and we are just all the same. We are the people who are also passionate, who works, who dreams, and who loves. Discrimination towards pay, job opportunities, and revealing who we really are in public should end. I’ll definitely go back next year.  

MAYO UNO 2019.

May First Labor Movement or particularly known as Kilusang Mayo Uno is a tradition of an independent labor center in the Philippines promoting militant unionism. Together with Southern Tagalog workers and other sectors, we have united on 116 years of rising against capitalist exploitation. It was my first rally outside the campus; learning outside the 4 nooks of the lecture room. 

I have comprehended their demands, as what I’ve learned during the educational discussions while I was running for council but listening to their voices in actual makes me understand them more, especially with the issue of NutriAsia, PEPMACO, and other abusive private sectors. All they want are respect, 750 pesos minimum wage, and regularization. Imperialism is the main cause of oppression and the workers unite in hopes to end it.

I remembered it so well. We were first restrained on the way to Calamba by traffic enforcers with their reason of daily inspection but we were the only ones being checked out of all the vehicles that were passing by. All roads were blocked by protesters in Crossing, Calamba; meeting in the middle. There are a lot of people that were there; students, teachers, human rights activists, artists, and workers. During the program, the workers voiced out what they’ve been through but also sang about having hope for this country. It was emotional, yet powerful. For me, this is one of the patriotic thing that you can do; hitting the streets. This is the eye-opening event for me to continue and learn deeply about the Philippine situation. 

It feels nice waking up to the sound of a rooster in the morning. It feels nice being wrapped in a cozy blanket while the breeze hugs you down to your bed. It feels nice to be waking up with a cup of coffee and three pieces of zuman waiting for you. It feels nice to hear your mom and your lola to call you, "Neneng".

Pangasinan will always be peaceful. Being in a studio type bahay kubo and hearing people around me using their dialect alienates me in a good way. I can't understand them because I was not raised by my parents using this dialect. They have only taught me two languages; English and Tagalog. While growing up, I realize how nice it would be if I can also use this beautiful dialect and their unique accent. Even though I can't comprehend a single word that they are saying, I know I am home; this is home.

How nice would it be if my mind can also do the same. How nice would it be if I can be at peace. Being 8 hours away from the university did not change anything because I think that I have left my mind there; thinking about all my unfinished requirements, tests that I need to study for, and all the what ifs in my academic life. I am still stuck with, "What if I tried harder, will it change anything?", " What if I pursued my real interest in college, will I enjoy the things that make my life harder?", "Will I fucking pass this semester? What if I don't?", and all those ponders; I can't seem to leave them behind.

Since I have left my mind there, I can't seem not to think about this certain guy I have met this college. I have friends, blocmates, and acquaintances from high school that I always talk to, but being with him makes me vulnerable and transparent. He is loud, and at the same time, very quiet. He can cheer me up with his words, no matter how vulgar or formal they are. He is the only comfort I need even though he doesn't have any idea about it.

I wonder how his mornings are like. Does he wake up with positive thoughts or is he thinking the same thoughts that I have regarding college? What is the first thing that he does when he wakes up? Does he enjoy coffee in the morning as much as I do? To be frank, my mornings in Pangasinan have been quite all about him.

I’ve been waiting for you all my life and I already have all types of scenarios running through my head on what would happen if you finally came. Pardon if it’s going to be so awkward at first because I really don’t have an idea on how I would dedicate everything to you because you’re going to be the first guy I’d truly love. I’ve been romanticizing the idea of love and I’m craving for it so much that I’m already imagining the things we would do together and the things we would say to each other but please, don’t let me drown into our deep universe, alone. Let’s be lost into ‘us’, together. 

I would love it if we don’t have any nicknames for each other because I would love to hear my name from your mouth. Since I was a kid, I never appreciated my name. I thought it was so ugly that I thought it would be nice if people around me would call me, ‘Stephanie’ because it sounds so feminine and pretty but because of you, because of you that called my name so dearly, I know I can’t resist to feel lucky owning my own name and I would call your name, your wonderful name, and that would never leave my mind. When I hear your name, everything that we spent together will play in my mind, like a movie, and that would probably be my favorite film of all time.

I wish you would fill up my wallet not with money, but with poetic love letters written on receipts from the convenience store. We would hang out there, and we would watch the cars pass by all night. While I was busy humming your favorite song that only the two of us can hear, you would stuff my wallet with cheesy but deep poems that show how you truly love me and you would fulminate that you’re going insane because of me, and that would make my heart flutter. 

We would walk by the side walk from the convenience store on the way to your home at midnight; linking your arms onto my shoulders and I would hug you from the side and I would feel your ribs, your heart beat, and the way you breathe. We won’t talk, we would just listen to the cars passing by that takes forever to end. Our mere presence is enough for us to get along.

And, you would take photos of me; my smile, my eyes, my expressions, and my everything and dear, you would love every shot of it. You would make fun of me from the photos that looks a little bit grisly and you would just stare at the photos that you love and I’ll do the same to you. I only take photos that looks mesmerizing and breath taking and probably, you’re one of them. You’re one of  the best things that happened to me and you see, I can’t imagine life without you. It would be dull, empty, and it would just be black and white, without you.

We would taste every good food when we travel. We would fall in love with the delicacy of every province and town we would head just like how we fell in love with each other. We would taste the sweetness, the bitterness, and the delicious taste of our love. We would tell each other how perfect the food is just like how perfect we are for each other.

We would do everything we can and we would be madly in love with each other, and at the same time, we would appreciate everything, including ourselves that we hated from the start.

Life Lately: Yup, It was a stressful semester. My anxiety towards my profs was already gone, thank God. How? I just stopped caring since my mind is so preoccupied by a lot of things like deadlines, discussions, projects, events, etc. All I can say is that Senior high school is so much harder and different than Junior High School. I thought I was already a college student for a second. I can’t believe how fast prelims and final exams come and go. And wow, I thought I needed to buy time since it was on scarcity (lol). And sleep, fuck. WHAT IS SLEEP? There are a lot of nights that I needed to give up because of acads. I can’t even watch kdramas, damn. And, there are a lot of times when I just don’t know what to do first. Everything was like a ticking bomb that shouts, “hey! do me first.” “No! DO ME FIRST!!!” Like, wth, I only have one body, calm your tits down. Thank you, Red Bull, for being there with me through downs and downs. Thank you for keeping me up all night. And there are also a lot of handouts that have a lot of topics like, wtf, I only have one brain. UUGGgghhhh. I also have this plan that I would make myself pretty this senior high but lol, nevermind. Wala kang time. Indeed, it was hectic and a killer but, I’m so happy that I can already get along with my classmates. We’re closer than before to the point that I can already open up to them. There is this classmate of mine who has a car and we would go on a short road trip on the way to a convenience store to buy canned lattes and energy drink. (Thanks mom for letting me join the ride, lol). 

Hi there everyone! I can’t believe that tomorrow’s already gonna be June. I was like “NOOOoooo”. I still need to watch good Kdramas and live my vacation days to the fullest. Just a quick update though: Pasukan na namin sa June 13 huhuhu. Last week was very fun and I experienced a lot of stuff and my heart was overwhelmed by the scenarios that happened. So without further ado, this is how last week occurred. 

Time to clean and organize my bookshelf! Books are getting dusty. Tbh, I haven’t been reading for the past few months because of kdramas ugh. Gonna start reading again soon! I think it’s also time to post book reviews here huh? :)

I’m Nikki Lyn de Vera, a 20-year-old nutrition student from the University of the Philippines Los Baños, in hopes of being a Registered Nutritionist and Dietitian. You can see me around the campus; studying and doing council works, or in the streets; singing the voices of our fellow countrymen.

I was quite a dreamer. I once wanted to be a photographer, a film maker, and a doctor but it boils down to what I’m proud to be today; a semi-activist. I can say that I’m learning everyday about our current situation, the mass, and myself though I am a closeted protester since my parents do not like even the thought of it but it is up to us to change our country for we are what our country needs.

Even though it seems like I have a lot of things I’m shouldering, I still love doing idle things; sipping coffee, eating at a food chain, and drowning myself in the internet. I do have a cat that means the world to me and together, we are just going to sleep the night in peace.