Jumping into the weekend

have decided to sell out my dreams!

for the bargain price $4.20 you can purchase the Clown Dream I had last night!

Ok so in the dream I was a purveyor of clown meat. basically i ran a delicatessen that sold assorted deli meats but in particular i sold clown meat, which was somehow both a specialty item and a dietary staple. like it was a really culturally important food group. 

the thing about owning & operating a clown meat deli is that for some reason i was required to hunt the clowns myself, which required a hunting permit. (there were also strict rules regarding the processing & handling of clown flesh, for safety & religious reasons, but that doesn’t figure into the dreamplot.) anyway, hunting clowns was difficult for me, bc i’m not very athletic but also the local clown forest population was thinning out (which i blamed on local Fish & Wildlife Agency regulations + the decay of traditional and sustainable clown husbandry methods but again, not relevant). so naturally i began mixing my meats, adding other types of animal flesh to my clown sausage mixtures to pad out my inventory. i also eventually started passing off human flesh as clown meat, since human & clown meat have a lot in common tastewise, and it made a more convincing substitute than other livestock. eventually i got caught and arrested on the very serious charges of selling counterfeit clown meats. (people were sorta upset about the human meat debacle, but on the whole the community was more scandalized by the fact i had been selling imitation clown meat, bc the purity of clown meat was a whole cultural thing. i don’t wanna get into it ok)

(also i honestly believe i would have gotten off with like. a fine + community service except that at the end i was faking the expensive, prime grade steaks, aka meat cuts only the local landed gentry could afford, and they were horrified less by the potential accidental cannibalism and more by how they had been subjected to the same duplicity as my working class customers, idk there was definitely some classist bullshit going on there) 

anyway the whole thing cumulated in the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, an absolute public spectacle at the County Courthouse, honestly just the most disreputable extravaganza. Hugely improprietous. Hugely. The whole shebang: massive courthouse crowd in their sunday finest, a bunch of screaming reporters with flashbulbs, the judge had to call for silence multiple times before we even got started. No decorum whatsoever, totally uncalled for, i was extremely offended on my own behalf. Most memorable of all: I had a Folksy Country Lawyer™ arguing in my defense–very educated man, luxuriant mustache, wore a white suit (three piece) and spoke in a Texan drawl thick enough to smother an infant in a cot. 

Now my entire defense strategy hinged on a stunningly controversial, risky, and supremely daring argument involving disputes both biological and philosophical; it was quite a tricky piece of reasoning, absolutely transformative, which i will reveal to you when i finish this post tomorrow (very drunk) in the meantime please perchance consider paying 4 more dollar in ransom bc this shit ended up way longer than forecasted. CLOWN DELI MEAT DREAM :) ;) ;)

#also my defense lawyer looked EXACTLY like dale dimmadome from fairly odd parents but i don’t wanna talk about it  #fun fact my clown meat deli dream lawyer was based on my mental image of the real life historical figure Clarence Darrow (lawyer famous for his involvement in the evolutionary Monkey trial and the ‘perfect murder’ trial that hitchcock based that one movie on) (fuck alfred hitchcock btw)  #anyway… another post about clown meat. haven’t had one of those in a while huh# #also had a dream which ended up being Hannibal Season 4 Ep 1 in its entirety  #which was confusing bc they replaced mads mikkelsen but literally none of the other actors

Guys I found the only good thing on Facebook.

Update:

Oh fuck they’re inclusive ants, too?!?

Image Descriptions

[Image 1: A Screenshot of an invitation to a Facebook group named: “A group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony.” Under that is a post in the group that reads: “We reached the center of the Earth. Now what?” Four people commented saying one word each in this order: scurry, dig, work, melt. These words are in capital letters and have spaces between each letter.]

[Image 2: Another Screenshot of a post in the group that reads: “It has come to my attention that when we put the spaces in-between letters it makes it difficult for visually impaired ants to know what we’re saying and so I was wondering if we could try to make this group more accessible for them. (The text to voice can’t figure out what we are saying with the spaces) (Picture of an ant for attention)” This text is then followed by a close up picture of an ant.]

[Image 3: A screenshot of some comments on the post in Image 2. Five people commented: adapt, adapt, inclusion, love adapt, adapt. These words are in capital letters and have no spaces between the letters.]

End of IDs.

Please do not reblog this post without image descriptions! The irony of sharing undescribed images that talk about inclusivity for the visually impaired is… Painful.

I’m in this group!! It’s great!

cats are small so they can run very fast and thus commit more crimes per second than the average human

An interesting title

a little end of 2020 spirit

from limmy

When your dad sneezes

Anyway.

tag yourself.

bingus

“Misgendering: An Analogy” by Bishakh Som

this is a good analogy, I’ve been explaining cis people for awhile that someone’s pronouns are how you refer to them when you don’t use their name, and you wouldn’t refer to someone by another name just because of how they look, so names and pronouns are related in my head anyway

This is such a clear and concise way of explaining this.

It’s funny because it applies to dead names too

Yesterday i lost my glasses. And decided to document my frustration until……… I really wish this was planned, but i gotta admit, I took a big L.

“[defeated tone] So… I have…. lost my glasses. And I’m afraid to leave my bed because I can’t see… and I fear I might step on my glasses. So I’m sitting here with my bee pillow pet… and I don’t know what to do.

I need to get up. I wanna get food. I gotta exfoliate and moisturize, cause my skin looking atrocious right now.

What if… [deep breath] What if I die here, y’all? Would anyone even miss me?Like, really?

I want Enrique Iglesias to come save me. Like, the ceiling opens up and like, he comes down from like, a heavenly cloud with my glasses, and he’s singing. [imitating Enrique Iglesias] ‘Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? I will be your hero baby!’ And I just take my glasses and I’m like ‘Thanks yo! Put a shirt on homie!’

But life, life don’t work… life… [prolonged silence]

[camera zooms in on glasses] 

[long silence; light chuckle] Enrique…”

This should win an Oscar

JOHN MULANEY Stand-Up Monologue on October 31st 2020

villains are hard to design. making them ugly is dangerous, depending on what traits you choose to frame as monstrous or undesirable, you could very well end up saying something fatphobic, racist, anti-semitic, etc

but if you make a hot villain then people will get thirsty and demand redemptions and refuse to acknowledge their evil actions, no matter how despicable

Solution: Full body armor and masks. You don’t see people shipping themselves with Sauron!

…………..you think?

…………..don’t look up Sauron on AO3

Nothing fails to crack me up like this post - the vain hope that somewhere out there is some awful nasty thing that there is not also a person whose kink that is, the idea that covering something up won’t make people obsessed with finding out what it looks like underneath, the surface level understanding of Sauron and complete lack of knowledge of the Silmarillion and it’s fandom, the fact that Sauron was canonically hot as fuck, the amount of Sauron erotica I have seen, God this post never gets old

The Poster Of The Comment: You don’t see people shipping themselves with Sauron!

The Very Large And Dedicated Community Of Sauronfuckers In The Tolkien Fandom, collectively: