my gf just ripped some ungodly ass that had my eyes watering i mean absolutely noxious it was so bad i made her leave the bedroom until she was done and i opened the window and shoved my head out so i didn’t throw up breathing in the tainted air of our once peaceful bedroom.
anyways once it dissipated and i got back into bed she walked back in and looked me in the eyes and said “sorry for farty rocking 🥺”
this is what she looked like
merry christmas all hail shark jesus
actually supervillains with kid hero nemeses are hysterical bc if i was a billionaire and i found out the kid who was also my nemesis was a preteen orphan i would simply adopt them. oh you’re going to stop my nefarious schemes? how when you’re grounded. go to your room
the trick is be a good parent so they don’t wanna fight you. son if you topple my criminal empire how will i pay for your college? reverse batmanning
Weaponized guilt. Son you’re out on a school night? When you have that big science test tomorrow? I thought you’d be studying…getti g some rest…no I’m not mad I’m just. Well a little disappointed I guess. What do you mean this wouldn’t be happening if I’d stop robbing banks their insurance covers it son money isn’t real
Who’s this guy is he your “sidekick”? That’s so cute when are you having him over for dinner. I’m not teasing I think it’s sweet I’m glad you’re making friends. Side note how durable is he I’m about to throw a car at you
as we all know, red dragons breathe right-channel audio, white dragons breathe left-channel audio, and yellow dragons breathe video.
speaking of america’s favorite fruit (not optional) i love applerankings.com so fucking much. absolute necessity for any real Appleheads out there
The fun thing about living in the middle of nowhere is the breathless news coverage whenever literally anyone remembers we exist.
Catch me being a modern-day cyberpirate screaming up alongside you on the 405 in my mad max car with half a bitcoin farm's worth of RAM in the backseat as I hack your Bitchless Towyota™ device and steal the boat you're towing right off the back bumper of the tesla your dad bought you
As i roar into the sunset you have to swerve* to avoid the small flotilla of hacked Towyota devices trailing behind me
(*in fact you do not swerve because you're on hands-free driving to go along with your hitch-free towing so you can only watch helplessly as your tesla mistakes your stolen booty for a small child and accelerates crashing into it and killing you instantly)
love how Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt fucked so hard that everyone was just like “ok that’s his song now”
that everyone includes trent reznor
i gave the cashier at bath & body works my phone number yesterday for the reward program and she did this, exactly:
My wife, despite not being from Chicago originally, has a 312 number and I feel like she's stealing valor.
cis man with gynecomastia scars: hi
the smartest transphobes in the world: kys tranny
and people wonder why I say that transphobia is a danger to everyone.
I wish I was fucking joking
but sure "we can always tell" crowd telling a cis man to kill himself because they think he's trans. that totally normal behavior. terfs are totally just normal average members of society who want what's best for everyone. they totally aren't genocidal fascists who want to kill everyone who disagrees with them or anyone they simply don't like.
Advanced AI protection
a boy and a girl can be gay for each other if theyre bisexual and their genders are weird enough
Getting into D&D be like:
