We Have A Jumper!
Raven and Damian’s date is interrupted when they receive a call about a Jumper on the roof of a nearby apartment.
Random Officer: Oh thank God you guys are here! We got a Jumper!
Damian: I’m confident God has nothing to do with this.
Random Officer: Raven, can you use your powers to stop him from jumping?
Damian: That won’t be necessary. *And whips out a megaphone.*
Raven: Why do you have that?
Damian: It’s best to be prepared, Beloved. *Raises Megaphone* SO YOU’RE REALLY CONSIDERING THE COWARD’S WAY OUT?
Damian: YES, FUCK ME. I’M NOT THE ONE STANDING ON A LEDGE, CONSIDERING MY LIFE CHOICES, OF WHICH INCLUDE TRAUMATIZING A RATHER LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE. BUT FUCK ME.
RAVEN: What are you doing! Don’t antagonize the guy!
Jumper: SERIOUSLY! LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!
Damian: I’LL LISTEN TO MY GIRLFRIEND AS SOON AS YOU ADMIT YOU’RE DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION.
Jumper: FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH. I’M SUFFERING UP HERE!
Damian: THE ONLY THING SUFFERING IS MY MOOD. AND BASED ON THE FACT YOU HAVEN’T JUMPED YET, THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION IS YOU’RE DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION.
Jumper: WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU A MEGAPHONE! YOU’RE TERRIBLE AT THIS!!!!
Damian: YET YOU HAVEN’T JUMPED?
Jumper: BECAUSE YOU’RE DISTRACTING ME!!!
Damian: ALL PART OF MY PLAN.
Damian: THE PLAN WHERE I INFORM YOU THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF A FOUR STORY BUILDING. THAT IS APPROXIMATELY A 50 TO 60 FOOT DROP. AND BASED ON THAT VELOCITY, THE FALL ITSELF ONLY HAS A 35% CHANCE OF KILLING YOU INSTANTLY. IF AT ALL. AND THAT IS ONLY AROUND 45%. SO IT STANDS TO REASON THAT IF YOU JUMP YOU’LL EITHER DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH: WE’RE TALKING BROKEN BONES, LASARATED MUSCLES, BURST ORGANS. THE WHOLE SHOOTING MATCH. OH, AND YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER WALK AGAIN, YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO EAT OUT OF A TUBE AS WELL? DEPENDS ON WHAT END HITS THE GROUND FIRST.
Random Cop: You’re making this up as you go, aren’t you?
Damian: *Speaking to the officer through the megaphone* I’M NOT. I ONCE SAW A GUY JUMP FROM HIS TOWN HOUSE WINDOW.
Damian: NOPE. NOT ONLY DID HE LIVE, BUT HE SHATTERED EVERY BONE I HIS BODY AND FILETED HIS FACE.
Raven: HE’S NOT LYING! HE LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THOSE CHARACTERS FROM BEETLE JUICE!!
Rando Cop: The one with the tongue?
Damian: THAT WOULD BE THE ONE, YES. NOW, WITH ALL OF THAT INFORMATION IN MIND, ARE YOU STILL CONSIDERING JUMPING? CAUSE IT’S REALLY GOING TO PUT A DAMPER ON MY AFTERNOON IF I HAVE TO WASH YOUR BLOOD OUT OF MY UNIFORM.
Rando Cop: That shit does stain.
Jumper: NO, I’M GONNA COME DOWN NOW. IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
Damian: GOOD. JUST BE SURE TO USE THE STAIRS AND EXIT THE BUILDING THROUGH THE FRONT ENTRANCE. THANK YOU.
Raven: That was the most reckless thing you’ve ever done.
Damian: Poor bastard’s still alive isn’t he?
Rando Cop: Even if he did jump, doesn’t Raven have healing abilities?
Damian: *Still through the megaphone* OF COURSE, BUT WHY GO THROUGH ALL THOSE UNNECESSARY STEPS? PLUS NOW NONE OF US ARE COVERED IN HIS BRAIN MATTER.
Raven: Put the megaphone away! He can hear you!
